I thought some more about why I was so uncomfortable at the funeral home on Monday. Once again ACIM nailed it. I had perceived myself as separate, different. That cut me off from the love supply. Then in walked 3 AA women who are the opposite of me in physical appearance. I perceive them to be judgmental because of this. It always makes me feel very ugly when they are together. I can deal with them one on one but when they are together I feel like I'm being discriminated against. I'd been praying for someone to talk to me and in walks someone who has been telling me for some time that I don't accept people as they are. Which in turn shows that he doesn't fully accept me as I am. And yet he does. I don't understand how that works but Kenny is right. The paradox was my mirror.

Scratch all of that. I see some truth in it but as I talked to the deacon today, I realized something else. My discomfort comes from my distorted image of myself in comparison to others. I separate myself by calling as much attention to my differences, maybe more so, than others do. I label myself. The deacon and I talked about my how I felt after visitation. He planted a new thought for me to think about. Funerals are not for the dead. They are for the living. He believes everyone in attendance at visitation or the actual funeral walks away with something. It could be closure. It could be reflection. It could be a number of things. I'm not really sure what it was intended for me to get out of it. I do know that I've come to see things a little differently.

I see that I got a lot of food for thought out of the conversation that I had with Mike. I heard myself say that I wanted to change my home group. I remembered two conversations that I had with Judy and Kenny over the course of the last few months. Judy said that perhaps I'd outgrown Al-Anon, that maybe it's not meant to be a life time pursuit for me. Kenny resounded that same theme, but he added that it might not be that I'd outgrown it but that I needed to reach beyond what I have here.

Linda and I talked about that at length Monday night. She pointed out that my support system has changed radically and had in some ways expanded. I have an on-line group that is awesome! I love the topics and the shares. This group of people challenges me to think and they offer unlimited love and support. I'm grateful to them for helping lift me up. I have telephone meetings almost every night with someone in recovery. I give and receive love. Then I have ACIM. I have a mentor in that, a daily reflection to think about and a study partner named Kenny. I have an individual therapist. I get to reason things out with her and because she is in the field of mental health I get some validation that I am not crazy, that I'm intuitive, empathetic and perceptive. I have my RCIA class with the deacon where I get to further explore my spiritual side. I feel blessed. So, it's not necessary that I change home groups or even become responsible for their growth. My responsibility is to myself.

As to whom God sent as an answer to my prayer for someone to talk to, I have no answer to the why of that but I'm glad it happened. I've actually missed Mike. I don't want to change him. I want what he has- serenity and courage. If I changed him in any way he'd cease to be the person I've grown to respect and love. I want him to stay just as he is right now. It is me that I want to see the greatest changes in. I want to grow beyond what I have been told to believe and be. I want to become what God wants me to be. I am grateful that He led or placed such awesome people in my life. I am doubly blessed.

I even feel blessed to have the child with the multiple personalities. He's teaching me as much about faith as anyone else could have. And I'm grateful for Marian. Linda's right. She's not serving as my Al-Anon sponsor as much as she's serving as my stand in mother figure. That's what I really need right now because I feel like I'm losing my own mother. And Kenny is really becoming my stand in brother or the brother I never had. He calls me on my stuff but he does it in a very loving way. He encourages me and gives me hope. I love him dearly. And Linda is the sister I never had. Yes, my family is changing and expanding. I feel loved.