I feel like I won several victories yesterday. I was able to be a little more assertive with those in my recovery community and that felt good. It's better to get it off my chest than to let it fester and form a resentment.

I have a lot of things to be grateful for today.

A- Autumn
B- Bike, Back pack
C- Cats, computer, clean apartment, cable
D- Deacon Mike
E- E-mail, Elyce
F- Faith
G- Gas ( I filled up last Monday and I still have gas in my truck)
H- Harold Brown, Helmet
I- Internet
J- Joe Taylor, Jerry (because he knew where I was coming from yesterday in the district meeting)
K- Kenny
L- Linda
M- Marian
N- Novelty
O- October
P- Patty
Q- Quiet
R- Ruby, Rain
S- Susan
T- Truck
U- Umbrellas
V- Violets, Violins
W- Walking
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zoos


I just came from the funeral home. I sat there for over an hour, waiting on Marian or Susan to show up. I was highly uncomfortable because the only people I knew are Jane and Carl. I was sitting there in prayer for someone, anyone to show up for me to talk to. In walks two AA ladies (one I know pretty well) but they pass me by and keep walking. Then here he comes. I haven't actually seen him since February. I've exchanged a few e-mails, mostly him telling me how judgmental I am. Of all the people to show up for me to talk to. But I was grateful to have the chance to talk to him. I just suck at chit chat. God, he smelled so good. He's actually got blue eyes. All this time I've thought that they were brown. But then I've never gotten that close to him to look into his eyes before. Why of all people did God send him as the answer to my prayer? Why did he have to be so nice? I didn't think he liked me one way or another. His e-mails suggested that he didn't.

I had a lot of feelings to deal with on the way home. Since I've been home I've e-mailed Kenny. I'm hoping he responds because maybe he can give me some clarity. Sometimes it hurts to have feelings one way or another for people. It hurts to let people get close because of that fear of being hurt. Friendships have gone sour in the last few months and those wounds have not healed yet. The old feelings from my marriage have disappeared altogether and I am grateful for that.

I also checked my e-mail from the on-line Al-Anon group. The topic this week is willingness. Here's my share:

For some reason when I read the shares that have been posted so far the movie, Field of Dreams popped into my head. That phrase, "Go the distance" came to me. Remember the story line? This guy hears a mysterious voice tell him, "If you build it, he will come." And he plows his corn field under. He takes his complete life savings and builds a baseball diamond with the stadium lights. Why? Because a voice told him to. He drives to Chicago to kidnap a famous writer from the 60's. Why? Because his instincts, his intuition, led him to do this. They go to a baseball game and a message flashes on the bill board. He suddenly needs to leave the game to pursue that. Why? Because he is following this same synchronistic energy. I could go on and on.

I watched this movie last week. Every time I see it I think of another movie- Children of the Corn. "He wants you too, Malachi." I'm showing my age I guess. But it occurred to me just now that the lead character showed a willingness to pursue something that began with a mysterious voice telling him to build something. He was willing to put himself out there and be thought of as crazy. He was willing to spend his life savings to pursue something that seemed totally far fetched and yet, he found peace in doing it.

Maybe willingness has to do with throwing away skepticism and pursuing the crazy things our Higher Power tells us to do. I have experienced that myself. My inner voice has sent me to some unusual places and I've done some things that were completely out of character for me. I pursued it because I was intrigued with what the outcome would be. It always unfolds naturally. It is never forced when I do this. My faith always seems to be increased. My serenity multiplies.

It makes me think also about how we live our lives in a fantasy, an illusion of our own making, and as we let go of what we've told ourselves, we suddenly have clarity. Maybe willingness also has something to do with allowing ourselves to become empty so that our Higher Power can fill us up with love, peace, courage, wisdom, etc. Maybe in making amends to ourselves we become teachable again. Maybe being willing to do that makes us teachable.

I don't know. My mind just seemed to wrap around all of that and I went with it. It probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me. I guess I'm waxing philosophical because I just left a funeral home and had to deal with some things as I sat in visitation. Hope I didn't offend any one.