Out Here on My Own

As sung by Irene Cara

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
Make believein' is hard alone,
Out here on my own.

We're always provin' who we are,
Always reachin'
For that risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own.

When I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I've never shown,
Out here on my own.

But when I'm down and feelin' blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby, belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
I may not win,
But I can't be thrown,
Out here on my own,

Out here on my own.


I talked to my Al-Anon sista, Linda last night. She's really hurting from the break up with Anthony. But it was her decision to detach, not his. I know how she feels. I went through that same thing with Joey.

I love Linda so much. She's been here for me in spirit, via e-mail and on the telephone. I've woke her up in the wee hours of the morning before. (I've only ever done that with three other friends- Judy, Kim and Wendy. I was usually the one that got those calls.) She's good about getting me back on track. She understands the difference between me talking to her and being real and when I'm talking at her, hiding something.

This is why I am going to Montgomery with her next weekend. As GR of her group she is required to go to the Al-Anon assembly in her area but she doesn't want to go alone. She's afraid she'll break down and cry amid the shares there. She needs a friend's shoulder to cry on. I'll be wringing wet when I come back on Sunday but it's the least that I can do.

Last night I shared with my sista the effects of this new medication that I'm on. I sometimes feel like I'm in a fog, like things aren't real. She says that that will pass. I am calmer and better able to focus on myself rather than looking at others. But I had begun to focus before I began taking the medication. I have too many of my own problems to be taking anyone else's inventory.

I don't worry about what others think any more so much. I'm at "Love me or leave me be." There are things about me that I still don't like. Some things are changable and some things aren't. I'd like to believe that I'm beyond judging others but I believe that may be a product of the human condition. All I know is that more and more I see myself in others. So any time that finger points at them I'm actually pointing at my own shortcomings. It makes it difficult to say anything negative about anyone.

Thursday night I vented to my sponsor about the home group after our meeting. But I think I was more bent out of shape with what I saw of myself in the two people sitting there. She were exhibiting characteristics of who I was rather than who I am now. I have to wonder about what kind of person I must have been.

I miss my friendships with a few of my recovery buddies. I miss e-mails that go back and forth over the internet but I regained some of that with Kenny. I miss long phone calls but I've regained some of that with Elyce and Linda. I miss having someone to do things with and I have yet to replace they with any one. Like I told Kenny and Linda last night, I am increasingly content to be in my own company because I have serenity. But I'm isolating myself when I stay in my apartment with my cats all the time. Still I'd rather have the serenity than the drama. Some of my recovery buddies kept the drama stirred up to the point that I got sick worrying over things.

I've got some things to work on while I'm off on fall break. Today I intend to rearrange my bedroom to create a little more storage space and leg room. I've also got some things to do for my classroom. I'll be in out of my room trying to get caught up on paperwork and to create some more learning stations for the wheel chair bound children.

I wish I knew someone who could download music to CD. I need some songs for the more active kids to move around to for our Adaptive P.E. I need "Simple Simon Says", "The Name Game", "Who Let the Dogs Out", "The Cha Cha Slide" by D. J. Casper, "The Twist" by Chubby Checker, "Walk Like an Egyptian" and "Hill Billy Rap" by Neal McCoy. Those are silly songs with a lot of repetition that my kids can learn to sing. The problem is that my home computer is a dinosaur. The one at school is blocked from doing such things. Maybe I can ask Chaz if he would do it since his wife works in my classroom.