As you choose
your thoughts today,
remember,
what you feed grows.


It's just another way of expressing the Law of Attraction. What you send out is what you will get back.

This morning I got up thinking about several things. The first thing I thought of is that I really wanted an hour more to sleep. I took Tylenol PM last night because my legs ached from wrestling with that child yesterday but it didn't take affect until almost one o'clock this morning. So I have the medicine head this morning.

The second thing I thought of was what today held for me. I've got a lot of paper work to catch up on at school. If I have to wrestle with anyone today I won't get any of it done. So, might have to stay after school. Bummer!

Then I began to worry over whether my classroom had been used for that after school program. I'd been warned about those kids coming into classrooms and stealing things. I spent a lot of my own money on some of those things in there or begged for some of them. I will be madder than a wet hen if those things come up missing or are torn up. My kids have been given the short end of the stick in life. They are disabled in one form or another. That automatically excludes them from a lot of activities. They've been over looked when it comes to materials and equipment, too. I've made a lot of materials or improvised with what I purchased so that they'd have something. If it gets taken or torn up that will be the last straw for me. I will make my voice heard loud and clear. I realize some of that is ego talking but it's also about defending the underdog.

I also thought about my recovery group and my decision to leave it. I will step down as GR officially on Sunday. I thought if we got someone willing to be the alternate, I'd be okay with it, but she doesn't attend enough for it to benefit me. All of my character defects and issues have risen to the surface since I took on the position. I can't do it any more. I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not an extrovert. I am an introvert. It takes so much out of me to put myself out there. No one seems to believe that. I've balked at those who want to keep pulling me out into the open. They don't accept me as I am. They want to make me into something I've not. Then there are those who cash in on my super responsible genetic makeup. That made me even sicker. I came into this program sick because I felt responsible for Joey's life. I took on the responsibility and, in turn, took on the blame for things when his life wasn't going well. That's what's happened with me in this group. I can't do it any more. Then there are those people who want to offer constructive criticism. They don't take me aside privately or with one or two people. No, they wait until there is a group to publically ridicule me. Suddenly, I feel as if I'm being faced by a lynch mob. I think that's very wrong. Finally, I've been faced with people who privately say and do things designed to manipulate me or cause me to feel a certain way. When I react or respond, they suddenly back off and act as if they have had no part in it. They deny any knowledge of their actions or tell others that I am crazy. That is equally wrong. What I've noticed so often is that when people in the recovery community make amends they do not apologize or acknowledge what they have done, they simply change their behavior. That may seem like the best route to take but it isn't always. Because no one apologizes or acknowledges what they've done, I'm left to feel that I am crazy when they change their behavior. So they really haven't made an amends, they've only made matters worse.