The days seem to be flying by. I've lost all track of time. Next week is fall break. Wow! I can't believe it's here already. Where did the time go?

I need to stay after school a couple of days to get caught up on paperwork. Otherwise, I'll be at the school during fall break trying to get things in order. I'm trying to figure out how I did everything during those years that I was insane with Joey. I was telling Mark last night that I did a lot of insane things during that time. I don't even recognize myself when I look back on that time.

I thought about how unhappy everyone I talked to in Al-Anon seems to be. I'm not in that place any more. I feel kind of numb. I'm not oblivious to everything but I kind of feel like everything is passing by in front of me. I don't react like I used to. I've decided that a lot of the behavior that I used to take the blame (or the credit) for has nothing to do with me. Reacting to the behavior only reinforces that part of me that wants to play the martyr. I don't want to go there any more.

I was grateful that Don sat down and talked to me before the meeting. He's had a lot of experience with relapse. The poor man nearly burned himself alive in a black out. He told me that he rarely talks about that time in his life but for some reason he spoke to me about his time in the ICU. He could remember the dreams he had and wondered about the significance of them. I talked to him about my latest letter from Joey. I told him about the former student that is in prison with Joey and my decision not to play the Mother Hen any more. For some reason I needed to talk about that. I'm not sure why except that that was a huge part of who I was.

I miss my conversations with Kenny. I sense that he's going through a dark valley right now. I don't know what's going on in his life but I think it's best I leave him alone. I guess I made up for the loss this weekend with my phone conversations with Linda and Elyce. Saturday night had a spiritual feel to it. Yesterday the conversations were a little different. Don't know how to describe them. It almost felt like I was the drug of their choice, like my sharing on spiritual matters got them high and yesterday they were coming down off of it and were reaching for it again. It didn't make sense. They each went to church services while I did not. I had my time in the Word because I looked up the gifts of the Holy Spirit but I didn't actually darken the door of the church. Kind of funny how that works.

I used my time wisely this weekend. I got a lot of things done around the apartment that I had procrastinated about. But like I told Mark- it is not that I'm lazy. It's more of a control thing. I can control when I do these things and how well I do them. I chose to put them off.

I don't have any projects in the works right now but I'm thinking about taking Linda's suggestion about putting together flyers advertising my research skills for some extra money. I'm just not in to that right now. The drive to find answers isn't there any more. But I did take one of George's queries from him because it was my direct ancestor that someone was asking about. I've got my response typed up and I will get it in the mail today. Who knows? Maybe the old spark is coming back.

I just watched the Brett Michael thing on VH-1. I hate reality shows! And I thought a rock star living out his fantasy of multiple women and narrowing it down to one was a little over the top but I've got to say that I admired his final decision. He recognized the wall that we sometimes put up when we're scared. He spoke of a leap of faith. In the end when his health became an issue he discovered which woman would be there for him and which one wouldn't. I also found it great that his ultimate test was about whether either girl was willing to share him or be exclusive and he chose the one who want exclusivity. That showed more brass to me than anything I've seen on a reality show in a long time. It's kind of odd to say but it restored my belief that there are still some men out there who look at the heart rather than the breasts.


The Rose

As sung by Bette Midler

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.


Every Rose Has Its Thorn

As sung by Poison


We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Chorus:
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and
easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Chorus

Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains

Solo

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Chorus