You live, you learn. What more could you want?

Yesterday the new therapist pretty much told me that I am too intelligent for my own good. Intelligent? Me? I was one of the worst students that ever graced a classroom. I didn't really excel at anything until I got into college. Sink or swim! That's pretty much how I saw it. It goes to show you how differently I see myself from the way others see me. Or as Marian said yesterday, I doubt my own competency.

Melanie, that's the new therapist, actually said that all those things I did at the beginning of the year- looking for a church home, the swimming, the signing Mom and Barry up for services, etc.- was my survival skills working. I saw something about to happen and prepared for it. She commended me for it. She also commended me in my decisions with my ex-husband and love life. I'm not looking for love. I am loved. If someone comes along that's fine, but it's just not necessary.

Due to my mother hen complex she doesn't think I would benefit from group therapy. She thinks I'd revert back to the enabler. Due to my past history she thinks my therapy sessions ought to be all about me. I get to decide what we do in these sessions. I asked for homework and she gave me worksheets on assertiveness. She thinks I need to keep downsizing all the responsibility I've taken on or had thrust on me over the years. I need to practice saying, "No" more often. I've also been given the assignment once again to expand my support system.

Today I learned that I will have to go through baptism for the conversion to Catholicism because the Catholic Church does not recognize the Church of Christ. I'm okay with being rebaptized. It's basically a new start for me. I learned that I don't necessarily need a saint but I want one. I want St. Rita. I've thought about it and I think I have the most to gain from selecting her.

The divorce issue was a big part of the discussion today. Deacon Mike doesn't think that I need to worry about it. Given what I've told him, he doesn't think it will impede me at all. Because our marriage was not considered sacramental, it's pretty much null and void without me seeking an annullment.

I really don't what I want out of life. I think I'd like to get back on an even keel financially. I've given that a lot of thought. It's going to be difficult but I think I can do it with God's help. I would like to have at least one friend to do things with. I'd like to be able to sit with my family in Mom's house without hypervenilating. I'd like to feel like I'm making a difference in my job. I want to be a part of something special. Don't know what that might be but I want to make a contribution. More than anything I want a sense of belonging. I've never felt like I fit in any where.

I haven't done anything today except exist. Well, that's not entirely true. I did clean a little. I also took care of that query that George gave me a week ago. It's kind of new to learn to just be. I'm so used to doing something all the time. I'm learning to relax and let my hair down. This may not seem like an improvement but believe me, it is.