I am definitely a work in progress, and a comical one at that. Yesterday when I began to rearrange furniture I would have to pause every 30 minutes or so to answer the telephone.

The first 2 phone calls were from Linda, who is definitely going through some kind of melt down. Her break up with Anthony has been harder than she thought it would. Detaching with love always is. Then Mom called for me to run an errand. The fourth phone call was from Elyce who is so pissed off at the world that she's striking out at everyone, including me. I didn't take it personal- I've been in her spot before.

When I finally got back to moving my furniture I managed to get myself backed into a corner. I wound up trapped in this room where the computer is and the telephone was in the living room. It was like the ultimate metaphor on my life. I couldn't move the dresser forward without force and that tore up carpet. I couldn't go backward without hitting a wall or getting stuck in that other room. I was forced to ask for help and wait.

I e-mailed for help but as my luck would have it, no one was on-line at that time. I worked at moving the dresser from the door and finally managed to work my way back into the living room. I wasn't particularly dressed to receive company, especially male company, as I had dressed for comfort. The only male I could think to call who wouldn't think I was hitting on him was Mac. It surprised me when he not only came bearing a back brace but moved the two items without much help from me.

I have missed talking to Mac. Since it was he that imposed this silence I think it ought to be he who lifts it. I have done my part. But the bottom line is that I've lost all trust in him. And his flair for the dramatic is no longer funny to me. I do not miss the chaos. I also do not miss the holier than thou attitude. He is a spiritual person, I will give him that, but for him to believe that he is somehow more spiritual than others is wrong. He could not possibly know what other people's relationship with their Higher Power is. What I miss is the person who used to do things with me and liked to talk on the telephone as much as I do. Mac was one of my best friend and brother. Yesterday when he came over he seemed like a stranger to me. I don't know if it is because I have changed, or he has changed, or a little of both. It just felt weird. I no longer feel close to him or able to confide in him.

I've had a lot of synchronistic moments today. I was flipping through channels this morning and the oddest thing happened. I wound up on a food channel and the dish they were preparing was one that I know is a favorite to a recovery buddy of mine. Since I'd never heard of the dish until I learned he liked it, it kind of freaked me out. I dismissed it because I decided to let go of any hope of he and I being friends. He does not trust me and I have never know what he wanted from me. I feel a connection to him on a lot of levels but ultimately the guard is up. I can not go into anything that remotely resembles what I had with Joey. I want all cards on the table or I won't go at all.

Then on the other hand here I am corresponding with my ex-husband again and confiding some things to him that I would not tell another living soul for fear of being judged. I don't trust Joey as far as I can throw him and I have no desire to rekindle a relationship but I was in need of someone to talk to. What I had to say I could not tell my sista, Linda, due to her occupation. I had to tell someone what was worrying me without being afraid that it would be told all over the place and so Joey was my pick. Know what? He supported me and totally understood where I was coming from. I don't trust that but it was certainly good to hear.

See the thing is that I put all my eggs in one basket when I got married. When he was paroled from prison and I saw the chaos coming, I begged him to leave before I got seriously hurt. He assured me that he was in it for the long haul, that I was who he wanted to be with. Then came the drugs and alcohol. And suddenly I was nothing but a piece of dirt. I can forgive but I won't forget. I'd have to see a huge turn around in him before I'd go back into that. It was not the many affairs he had, with men and women, although that certainly hurt. It was the degradation and the rejection. The feeling of being used and then thrown away. It was also the insanity and the suicidal roller coaster that I was on while he was in the picture.

Mac accuses me of putting a recovery buddy in Joey's shoes but in reality Mac became Joey to me. His behavior affected me so badly that I got sick again. I worried over his sobriety. I worried over his health. I confided in him and found he told everything. I respected him and valued his opinion only to have him totally trash me when he was in one of his moods. It was Joey all over again. This other person he refers to is my mirror. I see myself in him. But I also see that he has something that I don't- I want the serenity and courage that he has. Today I can honestly say that though I miss my friendship with Mac and I am grateful for his help yesterday, I want nothing that he has because it seems to come from putting others down.

Songs that have sprung to mind today as I've nursed a migraine. For some reason The Charmed Ones spring to mind.

Freaks Come Out at Night

As sung by Whodini

Chorus
The freaks come out at night
The freaks come out at night
The freaks come out at night
(the freaks come out)
The freaks come out at night

Discos don't open till after dark
And it ain't till twelve till the party really starts
And I always had to be home by ten
Right before the fun was about to begin
Crowds of people lined up inside and out
Just one reason, to rock the house
But in the day time the streets was clear
You couldn't find a good freak anywhere, 'cause

Chorus

Now when freaks get dressed to go out at night
They like to wear leather jackets, chains and spikes
They wear rips and zippers all in their shirts
Real tight pants and fresh mini skirts
All kinds of colors runnin' through their hair
And you could just about find a freak anywhere
But then again, you could know someone all their life
But might not know they're a freak unless you see them at night, 'cause

Chorus

Now the party's jumpin', the place is packed
And when the crowd's like this, I'm ready to rap
But before I could bust a rhyme on the mic
Freaks are all over me like white on rice
Freaks come in all shapes, sizes and colors
But what I like about 'em most is that they're real good lovers
They do it in the park, they do it in the dark
But most freaks are known for breakin' hearts
You could never tell what a freak was thinkin' of
And you may never catch a freak without at least one glove
And they don't walk, when they step, they strut
And nine times out of ten they drive you nuts
But take my advice, you don't stand a chance
Freaks are so bad they got their own dance
So if you wanna live a nice quiet life
Do yourself a favor, don't come out at night, 'cause

Chorus

Hut one, hut two
Hut hut hut

Chorus



Thriller

As sung by Michael Jackson

1st verse
It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
You’re paralyzed

Chorus
‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know it’s thriller, thriller night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight

2nd verse
You hear the door slam and realize there’s nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you’ll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin up behind
You’re out of time

Chorus

Bridge
Night creatures call
And the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There’s no escapin’ the jaws of the alien this time
(they’re open wide)
This is the end of your life

3rd verse
They’re out to get you, there’s demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change the number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together
All thru the night I’ll save you from the terror on the screen,
Ill make you see

Chorus

(rap performed by Vincent Price)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnite hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize yawls neighborhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller