I really don't know when it happened but somewhere along the line I became the devil incarnate. This is according to my mother's family. Personally, I think they need to get a life. Yes, I stood by and watched Mom and Barry go down hill. Nothing could be done for either of them until Mom asked for help. Then, I signed them up for every service that was available to them. They are actually living better than when I was in the picture. I can actually rest easy because they are okay. It's me that needs help. But no one wants to see the obvious. They just want to point fingers and dwell on what I'm not doing. So, let's look at what I'm not doing.

1. I'm not minding anyone else's business.
2. I'm not pushing people around- controlling and manipulating them.
3. I'm not angry all the time, making others miserable with my yelling.
4. I'm not get frustrated with my mother and brother because they are unable to help me help them.
5. I'm not turning them down when they actually need my help.
6. I'm not distancing myself from them because I'm ashamed of them.
7. I'm not placing blame, guilt or shame on them for things that have gone wrong.
8. I'm not nagging or badgering them to do things that they would rather not do.
9. I'm not pointing out their limitations and making them feel less than a person.
10. I'm not looking at anyone's imperfections.
11. I'm not crying over things that have been left undone.
12. I'm not banging on their door, forcing my way into their life.

In short, I'm allowing them to be themselves. No, they are living the life of Riley but then neither am I. No, they don't have a lot of new things, but then neither do I. It is not that I'm living high on the hog while they do without. They are in better shape than I am.

I refuse to accept the blame for the things that aren't going well in their lives. It isn't my fault. I've made my amends. I've done my part and I will not be bullied. I'd rather not fight with my family members but I will stand up for myself. I've had enough of the blame and being made to feel like I'm a second class citizen. When I was doing the things that they are complaining about I wasn't treated much better. So, why should I bother? Mom and Barry are being taken care of by 7 or 8 people. They are doing fine.

On a brighter note a member of the on-line singles group that I belong to sent me a smilie this morning and asked when we could meet. I don't know. His picture is on there but mine isn't. I could meet him in a public place and see what happens. I could pick him out of a crowd easily enough. His name is Andy. He lives in Lewisburg. I'm just not sure I want to meet someone this way any more. It would be different if I'd been corresponding with him and talked to him on the telephone but to up and meet someone out of the blue after he's read my bio- I don't know. I was willing to risk it last year but I'm not so sure I am this year. I'm not desperate. Last year I felt like I needed to be in a relationship of some kind and I was willing to do whatever it took to be in one. This year, I'm more content with myself and I've resolved a lot of things. I'm in no hurry. I'm not willing to settle for less than what I feel that I deserve any more. Besides this guy admits in his bio that he smokes and drinks. I'm definitely not interested in a smoker or a drinker. I think I'll let this one slide by.

Anthony, Linda's boyfriend, tried to fix me up with some dude he worked with at the Marble plant but I wasn't going for that. The four of us to have a double date. Linda nipped it in the bud pretty quick because she said that she knew that Anthony had an ulterior motive and it would not be pretty. She's got that tough love down pat. It's harder than people realize.

I've been working some more on my "What is Love?" journal. I've printed out most of it. Got to buy some replacement ink. I don't think it's a good gift for anyone even if I take my words out of it. I tried sharing it with three of my friends because I wanted them to see the mysticism teaching in it but no one seemed to get where I was coming from. Too bad. I wanted input. Kenny and I have talked about some of the things since I sent it to him. He told me to look up something called Artist's Way. He seems to think I have real talent and that I should write a book. Me? Write a book? Who'd buy it? No, these are just things I play around with. I record them in journals form so that later I can look back on it and see how far I've come. I took my Don Quixote journal with me Wednesday and let the deacon look at it. He was impressed. I just wanted to show him that I'd been pursuing the same topics as what we had in my RCIA class for two years. We had a great class. I didn't have a lot of questions but I found answers any way.