It's been an interesting 24 hours. Yesterday I was freaking out over finances. I had to go on-line for some ESH. I've had an opportunity to do some soul searching. I can't believe how much I've changed.

When I was in the middle of that insanity with my alcoholic I worked as many as three jobs at one time. One year I earned nearly $75,000 and had nothing to show for it. It all went to trying to pay my mother back, take care of his father, finance his habit (I assume) and try to keep the bills paid. I was a nervous wreck. I was not reliable. I pretty much took advantage of my mother and brother. I rolled right over them. The things I said and did were unkind. I was not a nice person to be around. I was angry all the time.

In those days I could multi-task with the best of them. I worked myself to death and had nothing to show for it. When I look back on those days I am amazed that I had that much energy.

Last night I beat up on myself pretty badly. I remembered every unkind thing anyone had ever said to me. I remembered the utter humilitation and all the times I didn't fit in. I recalled the names I was called and every vicious word that came to my ears. Last night I magnified it until I was reduced to tears. My self-hate tapes were playing pretty loudly when my best friend called. I am so grateful that Linda called when she did. I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't called. I am eternally grateful to her.

Today was a better day. I shared my anxiety with the on-line group and one of the members e-mailed me back. It seems she could identify with what I had to say. She gave me a lot of love and encouragement. I am grateful to her, too.

At school today I would up wrestling with my child with the multiple personalities for an hour and a half. It was pretty bad. I managed to restrain him in his chair and kept him from biting, hitting and scratching me. I don't know what happened in his home last night but it was pretty bad. He was not lashing out at me, he was trying to let off steam and I knew it. It made it a lot easier for me to detach from what was going on. Whatever happened involved a male because he was afraid to go to the bathroom with our male assistant. He begged me to stay with him. I stayed with him until I had to go take one of my wheel chair bound students out of all his braces and his walker. I thought he had calmed down after his speech time but he wound up attacking the substitute assistant and calling the art teacher a bitch. I had to remove him from the art room.

I wound up wrestling with my drama queen today, too. The little girl with Down's Syndrome apparently felt that I was not giving her enough attention so toward the end of the day she decided that she loved me to death and I do mean to death. I was virtually attacked. I had to ward her off a few times and she wound up on the floor. By the time I got to the faculty meeting today I felt that I had more than earned my paycheck and I really missed Jennifer. I hope she's back tomorrow. If the kids can keep it together with their behavior, we're going to make gingerbread man cookies. I've got all the ingredients there in the classroom.

One of the wheelchair bound children will be out tomorrow so we will be down to three kids. That should make things run smoother.

Today during the faculty meeting I learned of an extended contract that is available at the school. It would be doing remedial teaching of Science and Social Studies after school. After 35 hours I could earn $700. I'm going to pray about it and I may apply for it tomorrow morning with the principal. The money would help out a lot.

Tonight I intend to go to an Al-Anon meeting in Lawrenceburg. I'll be leaving in about an hour. I need to stop off at Wal-Mart to look at their plants. A few of my plants in the terrarium are biting the dust.

I was supposed to do laundry after work today but I'm putting it off until tomorrow. Thankfully, I still have clean clothes to choose from.