It's happening again. I'm finding God in what I read and watch. Friday night I watched, The Theory of Everything. Good movie!

Last night I watched the Celestine Prophesies. I would recommend that to any one. I've been feeling a little crazy with the things I see and hear lately. Turns out I'm not. Not sure what will unfold.

I don't think I'm the only person experiencing craziness. I can't prove it but I think a few of my recovery buddies are experiencing these things, too. Wish they'd talk to me. Maybe we could enlighten each other.

I can't prove it yet, like I said, but I believe one of my friends has become totally crazed. He's seemingly erased himself from the internet. The only traces of him now are those that are beyond his control, those put out by others. It seems he reacted the same way that I did when I erased my blog. I know why I did my little deal but I can't figure out why he did his. It's not totally erased. I found what I was looking for- pictures. I just wanted the "Beside Still Waters" picture. That was all.

Some of the things I've experienced of late have been on the scary side. Like Friday for example when I found the gun in the restroom. My friends from school were called to the office because there was someone stirring up trouble. Suddenly I had to go to the bathroom. The one nearest me was occupied and even though I would have stood outside the door and waited something told me to go to the bathroom outside the principal's office. I argued with God all the way there. I did not need to be near the office with this meeting going on. It was not my business. But the little voice inside my head insisted. At first I didn't see the gun resting on the toilet paper dispenser. When I finally did see it I thought it was a toy. But something told me it wasn't. I picked it up it had the weight of a real gun. Around the corner from the bathroom, just outside the principal's office is the SRO office. I saw the SRO sitting there. I called her to me to show her what I'd found. It was her gun. She'd taken it out of the holster when she went to the restroom and forgotten to put it back in. She asked me not to say anything to anyone. I didn't. It was an honest oversight. No harm, no foul. I found it and returned it before any harm could be done. I carried that around with me until last night when I spoke to Mac. It was as if I needed to tell someone. If I'd been in the same frame of mind I'd been in prior to that day, I might have used that gun on myself. Now that is very scary. I'm grateful all thoughts of suicide were taken from me. Not sure anyone but Linda and Mac took me seriously. Thank God they loved me enough to tell me to seek help.

I have a counseling appointment on June 11th. I still have a little depression left over and I can clearly see that it is from grief. I just can't decide what can be done about it.

So when my little voice begins talking to me again and I begin seeing things in a new perspective, I know I'm on the right road again. For some reason I had to get off the path and experience this, whatever it was, in order to regain my focus. I had to see that others were draining me of my energy. I also had to see what I could change. I could change my part in all this- I could drop the rope.

One of the members of my home group dropped in to see me prior to the meeting today. She was my first Al-Anon sponsor. She remembers what I was like before coming into the program. We went to get ice cream and then I rode with her to the meeting. I told my group (there were 4 of us in attendence tonight) all about the gun incident. I really surprised some of them. But as we were talking about marriage and wedding vows I told them that today would have been my eighth wedding anniversary. Joey and I were married 8 years ago today. We'll have been divorced three years next month. I'm not sure why that has come to me. But for some reason it is important for me to remember this date. George told me yesterday that he didn't think I'd seen the last of Joey. I don't either. But he's a memory to me now. My thoughts actually seem to go towards someone else - someone who has no thoughts or feelings for me at all. I'm not sure what that says about me except that perhaps I have a tendency to gravitate toward people who are emotionally unavailable for me.