This morning I'm feeling a little healthier. I was very tired last night. I had moved a lot of things out of my classroom and brought it home last night. I should have put things up and finished cleaning but it was more important for me to spend time with my brother. I went to bed about 9:00. Slept pretty good.

I wish that I could just blow off the Al-Anon meeting tonight but Kathy had said that she would show up. I will go and see if anyone appears. I really do need a meeting. I have the e-mail Al-Anon group and phone meetings with my sponsor and various recovery buddies but it's not the same. I still need face to face contact.

I rented two spiritual DVDs while Barry and I were at Movie Gallery. I'll watch them this weekend. If no one shows tonight I may put one in lieu of a meeting. House cleaning can wait until tomorrow. It's half a day at school. Or it could wait until Saturday. There is no hurry. I've got to make a run to Barnes and Noble to finish shopping for Mac's birthday present. His birthday is May 29.

Gratitude list for today:

A- AA, Al-Anon
B- Barry
C- Computer
D- Dad my original alcoholic
E- E-mail, energy
F- Friends, family, faith
G- God, grace
H- Hope, health
I- Internet
J- Joey because he brought me into Al-Anon
K- Kittens
L- Linda my sista, Lisa
M- Mac, Marion, Mary Jo, music
N- Nails to hang pictures on the wall
O- Optimism
P- Paddy, Pat Dooley, Patricia
Q- Quiet time, quarters
R- Radio, Rosary beads
S- Serenity
T- Tim, transportation
U- Understanding
V- Vickie
W- Wisdom
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zeus

It's 9:00 a few hours removed from what I wrote earlier. I'm taking a break. I only have two portfolios left to do and I have to wait on the Resource teacher to hand me some Running Record information before I can finish those. I also have 15 report cards to do but I'm here until 3:00. I figure I have plenty of time. I am pacing myself.

I've had a few God moments since I left home. After I left home I stopped at the post office to get my mail. The Al-Anon Love Express newsletter was in there. Linda's ad wasn't in there but there was a snippet about my sponsor's daughter and what she's been doing for Al-Anon. That was a good read. I was energized. She's doing things I want to do myself for our home group.

I took myself out to breakfast at Shoney's. I normally don't treat myself to anything like that. I decided that I should start treating myself as if I were the honored guest. I remembered going out one Saturday a month with my dad to breakfast. We used to go to a local diner and eat. We'd order fried eggs over easy, grits, bacon and toast. It was heaven! I got my father all to myself. He used to say that it was necessary to treat ourselves out every once in a while. So, today I did.

I stopped at Walgreens on the way to work to get some lotion. I saw the CD for Dream Girls. It was on sale for $6.99. So, I bought it. Two of the songs I liked are on it- I Am Changing and Hard to say Goodbye. To me that was a God moment.

I'm wearing the Serenity by the Bay t-shirt that Linda bought for me while we attended the Alabama Al-Anon Convention. I wore it for various reasons and I've already gotten comments on it. I'm feeling pretty good about myself this morning. I'm serene. Thank God! I'm praying this feeling lasts.

I'm home now. Two hours from now I'll be at the group meeting. Just thinking about it makes me aggitated. I hate going into that building! I hate this group! I don't want to be the GR any more. These people are killing me with their luke warm attitude.

I find hope and inspiration in poetry on-line. I have to pursue God and allow him to tell me what my next step is. This is what I found today. It's the same message and I am as infuriated as the person in the poem.


Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried: Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate, And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".

"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word. My future and all to which I can relate hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, or even a 'no' to which I can resign. And Lord, You promised that if we believe we need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting.... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun. I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be. You would have what you want. But, you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the Loss!
If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."

~ Anonymous


It's 8:43 p.m. The meeting was good! There were three of us and we discussed the Al-Anon Family Group. I took the meeting out of our newest CAL. I'm trying really hard not to carry a resentment against the group and the board over the club house. It's hard. I want so badly to scream, rant and rage. I've been angry at these people. I needed them and they let me down. That's exactly how I felt about my alcoholic. I think the lesson here is clear. I can only turn to God for support. He is where I need to look when things go wrong- not to blame but to give me the love and hope I so desperately need in times of desperation. But I also need to look to myself for answers. The answers to every question I have are found in me.

It dawned on me today that I've let go of a lot of people and situations. Some of the people I've let go of are painful. I actually trashed their e-mail addresses. I figure if they want to contact me they still have mine. I'm not so hard to find. I'm a creature of habit. Besides, I remembered that saying, "If you love someone let them go. If they come back to you it's meant to be." I think friendships and family qualify with that saying not just romantic interests. I could also place me in that sceneria. I'm the prodigal with my family. They let me go and I came back.