Have you ever felt like there was something about you that just wasn't quite right? Like your drum plays so off beat that no one except you can possibly march or dance to it? This is how I've felt all my life.

We're told in Al-Anon that there is nothing about us that is unique but I don't believe that's true. I think we're all unique. We come from different backgrounds, have different beliefs, etc. I think it would be better to say that in Al-Anon we come together to focus on our common bond. Our differences shouldn't matter. But somehow... they do. Lately I've felt like no emotion I show or feel is appropriate. If I am happy, I'm out of order. If I'm sad, I'm out of order. If I'm mad, I'm out of order. Do I breath right? I know that feelings aren't based on fact. My books tell me that they are a reflection of reality. But they are still my feelings and I have a right to feel them- good, bad or indifferent. Whose place is it to tell me that I have no right to be happy, sad or mad?

And my thoughts can be a little off beat sometimes but they're mine. Some may not be sane and I might need some gentle nudging (I place emphasis on the word gentle here) to get me back on track but I still have the right to be as insane as I want to be. Sometimes I need to pursue an insane thread to the end before I see the error of my thinking. Sometimes I have to completely lose it to understand the difference between sane and insane thinking. Don't I also have that right?

My CAL books tell me that Al-Anon members are not to give advice only suggestions. It also says we are not to do each other's inventories. Yet there are some who do mine. And I have to confess I've done theirs a time or two. But not any more. I've got too much on my plate to worry about anyone but me. I'm seeking a new job elsewhere, trying to recuperate my financial situation, get my mother and brother the services they need, and mend my relationships. I just don't have time to dedicate to the drama of someone else's life. I don't mean to be rude but it's the truth. I've put all my things in God's hands and I believe everyone else should do the same.

Right now I'm in the paranoid phase. I feel like there are snipers on the roof tops. There are a lot of underhanded things going on around here. People making phone calls designed to disrupt unity. Threatening phone calls and verbally abusive phone calls have also become the norm. it's just plain wrong. Our group was already weak. These things have served to scatter us like seeds in the wind. I had a lot of paranoia while my alcoholic was in prison. I thought everyone knew my secret and I was scared it would affect my job and my friendships.

I'm also in the phase where I feel as if everything I say or do offends someone. I'm afraid of making a move for fear that someone will reprimand me. That's what happened in my marriage. I feel like I'm still married to my active alcoholic and addict.

While I was doing my laundry just now, I was doing the 12 Traditions Study that an Alabama Al-Anon member put together using the CAL, Paths to Recovery. In Tradition Three it says we can spread ourselves too thin trying to be all things to all people. I think that's where I am right now with my home group. I feel like I'm gettng sick again because I'm stretched too thin. That's the way I felt while I was married to an active alcoholic and addict. I felt like Stretch Armstrong. The fact that I feel this way again is not a good sign. To me it is an indication that I need to get out while I still have some sanity. But where would I go?