Yesterday Mac jumped my case pretty badly. I was not in a hurting condition when I called him. But he had worked himself up in a tizzy about me and reacted big time. I felt like he was personally attacking me. I had only called him to ask a simple question.

His behavior did prompt me to do one thing good though. I reached out to Al-Anon members for help. I spoke to one on the phone until I had calmed down and then went to visit with another one for a few hours. When I got home a third one had returned my call. I am loved.

I realize I've isolated myself somewhat and Mac is right my mask was back in place. I was in pain. No one was showing up for meetings and I was not getting the help I needed. My sponsor loves me but she feels helpless where I'm concerned. We've talked about it. She hates to see me in pain and it causes her to worry when she hears me. I've become child # 8 to her. The old sponsor at the Tuesday night group makes me feel crazy when I talk to her. Nothing I do or say is ever good enough and I'm not allowed to feel my feelings. I had no one else to reach out to but Linda and Mac. I knew I was driving them crazy but I didn't know what else to do.

The on-line Al-Anon group that I joined has been a source of love and encouragement for me. I think that was a God inspired idea to go back to an on-line group for extra support. This is not the same group I joined two years ago. This is a group that focuses solely on Steps 3 and 11. It's a spiritual group and I believe it's what I need right now. Each topic this month has been one I needed to work on.

Al-Anon is a gentle program. It is not designed to be an in your face program like AA. We are the sickest of the sick. We need a little more love and support because we've beat up on ourselves far worse than the alcoholic. Love and understanding are essential to progress. Right now I feel like I need a village.

Mac asked me who died when I tried explaining that I was grieving. I believe I did. I feel like I've lost all my family. I can't seem to feel close enough to them. I know it's me. The general consensus of those I talked to last night is that I'm going through early menopause on top of everything else and it's magnifying my feelings. I don't know if they're right but I've got doctor appointments lined up to find out. I don't like feeling this way.