I'm listening to my "Rent" CD and the first song, "Seasons of Love" speaks to me like never before. This time I focus on the words, "...526,000 journeys to plan..." and I look at my perpetual calendar to read:

"To begin may seem difficult-
almost impossible.
Yet, in beginning
lies the glory."

Wow! This puts me in mind to what my friend, my adopted brother, said about the bizarre dream I had. I had to tell someone and I knew he would not think I was nuts.
He said that part of the dream- about this strange woman who appeared to guide me through the maze of theatrics and background scenery represented a big change, a transformation. She perhaps represented me. The other parts he said he'd have to think about. When I told him of my sarcastic friend appearing vaguely in my dream sitting in the bleachers, eating popcorn he suddenly had to get off the phone. I wondered with some paranoia if the two men were at their workshop together and then I thought, "Nah! That's too far fetched." My brother appeared briefly in my dream, too. But most of the people in this dream were foreign to me. I know the dream means something because I remember too much of it.

In two hours I will pick my sponsor up and begin our trip to the Al-Anon assembly but that is not the journey that everything points to. My journey includes this woman, of that I am sure. It actually includes various members of her family. All roads seem to lead to them and that scares me.

When I am in codependent relationships I am generally dependent on the emotional support. These days my emotional stability is at zero. I'm on this roller coaster that is spiraling down a mountain side at an earth shattering speed. Then I am in a dark valley. Then begins the climb again and I am in the clouds. I ride this roller coaster because I don't know how to get off. But I have to say when I compare it to where I was 4 years ago- shut down and feeling numb- I prefer it. I think God wants me to feel my emotions to their height and depth. It's time to throw off the inhibitions somewhat and take a chance, to risk being hurt. Maybe that's why this family scares me so much. They offer so much in the way of life that I have never experienced.

After I got off the phone with my adopted brother I sent an e-mail to the popcorn eating apparition. I had remembered a cat from my dream and that reminded me of my two girls- Cocoa and Alley. I had to talk to someone about my cats. It seemed he was my logical choice but I know he thinks I'm nuts. I don't even think he reads his e-mail any more.

I miss my, dare I say, friend. There's something about him that appeals to me. I am not dependent on him for emotional stability, thank God. That would be a disaster. He's struggling too much. I think it was the intellectual stimulation, the back and forth barbs, that I enjoyed. He made me think. Very rarely do I have anyone to spar with. Of course, I have my adopted brother, but he's vicious. Our sparring matches are not pretty at times. We argue and make up. I don't know how to explain it but I know it's very different from anything I've ever experienced. I just miss it.