This morning I decided to write an article for the upcoming Al-Anon book about relationships. When I started it, I thought back to two years ago when I was celebrating/ mourning my divorce of one year. I wanted desperately to be in another relationship. I had my heart set on a fellow Al-Anon member.

My grandsponsor (my sponsor's sponsor) pulled me aside at the Nashville Al-Anon Convention and we had a conversation about the difference between "wants" and "needs". Her suggestion to me was that I go home and write down on a sheet of paper what I wanted. I also needed to write down what I would need to do in order to achieve this.

At the time a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex was at the top of my list. So that was what I wrote about. Then on the other side of my paper, I wrote these 4 things that I needed to do:

1. I need a closer, healthier relationship with the God of my understanding.
2. I need a healthier relationship with myself.
3. I need to understand what autonomy is.
4. I need to learn my limitations and to discover what healthy boundaries are.

When I wrote my article this morning I spoke of having achieved that with one of my recovery buddies- Mac. But God has shown me something else this evening. I have that healthy relationship with my biological brother, too.

Barry needed some place to be tonight because he had been uninvited from a church event. I took him out to eat at Hardee's (his choice) and rented a DVD to watch. Although I was impatient and felt I had no time for such things because there was so much I needed to do around the house, God showed me something. I needed to take the time for this. I owe my brother an amends. There is no one else from my childhood who knows who I am better than my brother. He has always been there for me. Although our relationship has not always been 50-50 due to his autism, he has always been in my corner. Today because I have a program our relationship is healthier. I don't lose my temper and take things out on him any more. He does not lose his temper and take things out on me either.

The DVD he rented was Dream Girls and the lyrics spoke to me. I had to go on-line to look them up because their message was so clear to me. Tonight I am grateful for my brother. I am grateful that he needed a place to land and that I was chosen. I am sorry for my impatience but glad that I did not lose my temper as I might have in the past. God reminds me that this is more important than how clean my house is. He also reminds me that there will be time for cleaning later. But there will not always be time for me to spend with my brother.

Look at the lyrics of these songs:

I Am Changing

From the movie Dream Girls

Effie:
Look at me,
Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can

I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand

I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you,
I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I can do it all alone?
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again,
Oh
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am

I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes, I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow and nothing's gonna stop me now


Listen

From the movie Dream Girls

Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But can't complete
Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release
Oh,the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all ‘cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what’s on my mind
You should have known
Oh,Now I'm done believin’ you
You don't know what I'm feelin’
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
Sooo long ago
Ohh, I'm free now and my dreams 'll be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your ownAll cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be movin’ on
If you don't....
If you won't....
LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start
But I will complete
Oh,Now I'm done believin’ you
You don’t know what I'm feelin’
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..my own...


I Miss You Old Friend

From the movie Dream Girls

I miss you old friend,can I hold you?
and through it been a long time
old friend do you mind?
there was so many things
I wish I had said
I meant to love you
but I hurt you instead
I’ve come here now
to make amends
can I sit down beside you
can we be close again

I miss you old friend
can I hold you?
and though its been a long time
old friend do you mind?
I’m hoping that you will feel this way too
'cause I miss you old friend
I miss you

Hard To Say Goodbye

From the movie Dream Girls

We didn't make forever.
We each got to go our separate way,
And now we're standing here, helpless,
Looking for something to say.
We've been together a long time.
We never thought it would end.
We were always so close to each other;
You were always my friend.
And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.
Hard to see you cry, my love.
Hard to open up that door.
You're not sure what you're going for.
I didn't want this to happen,
But we shouldn't feel sad.
We had a good life together.
Just remember, remember, all the times we had.
You know I've always loved you
You know I always will
But no matter how far I may go
In my heart
You'll always be there
And it's hard to say good-bye, my love.
Hard to see you cry, my love.
Hard to open up that door.
You're not sure what you're going for.
You'll know I'll always love you.
You'll know I'll always care.
And no matter how far I may go,
In my thoughts,
You'll always be there.
(It's so hard) hard to say good-bye, my love.
(Baby, it's hard) hard to see you cry, my love.
(It's hard) hard to open up that door,
When you're not sure what you're going for.
(It's so hard.)Good-bye my love.
(Baby, it's so hard.)
We didn't make forever.
It's so hard.
I can feel there's something more.
(When you're not sure what you're going for.)
We've got to work it,
We've got to try,
Though it's hard, so hard
We have to say good-bye
Though it's hard, so hard
We have to say
We didn't make forever.
How could we lose tomorrow?
We didn't make forever.
How could we loose tomorrow?

Wow! What powerful messages! I am changing. I do need someone to listen to me. I have said, "goodbye" to some old friends and I have hurt some. I needed this movie tonight just as I needed my friend Mac to talk to me the way he did on Sunday night. I am grateful for the friends I have and that they love me enough to talk honestly to me.