Sometimes I become so overwhelmed with the things going on in my life that I have to remind myself to breathe. The past few nights I've gotten to bed very early and slept through the night. I wake up at least once or twice for a trip to the bathroom- I'm diabetic, those potty trips can't be put off- but I go right back to sleep. Is it depression or that I really am physically tired?

I think about the financial problems that I have and I wonder where in the world I will find a summer job but then I remember that I've been here before. This is familiar territory. A job, maybe several will appear, and I will be okay. I won't live like a queen but I will eke by. I also wonder about switching jobs, looking for something closer to home. I remind myself that I've been here before, too. Something will materialize. Money has always been an issue with me. I never seem to be overflowing with it. Maybe that's a good thing. But to be in bankruptcy, still owe on repairs that didn't get made on a truck sitting idle while making monthly payments on another vehicle (insanity) and to owe the IRS almost the same amount as the repair bill comes to, is a little too much to look at. These things are new to my neighborhood.

My family is going through some changes, too. Mom and Barry's financial situation is being taken over by government agencies because Mom can no longer manage her finances. They will eventually be separated physically, for their own good, in low rent housing. Mom's eye sight has gotten worse. So has her hearing. I've noticed she walks with her right leg at an angle now where she broke that ankle a few years back. My heart hurts every time I look at her. I love my mother so much and it's painful to see her in this shape. I can't do anything about it. Barry's mental health is getting worse. I watched him over the year. It hurts to watch him, too. Thirteen years ago I moved back here to help out with their situation, so this is not new territory, either. But somehow the twists and turns in it feel different. I see our family dynamics changing and it's scary. They are still living and around me but I feel like an orphan without any family at all.

My home group is changing. I've seen attendence fall off before but somehow this feels different. This feels like Al-Anon itself is dying. Now, when I walk into the building after all that has happened there, I feel paranoid and so sick. I feel like I did the first time I walked in the building almost four years ago. I want to just sit and cry or rage at the everyone who appears. What is wrong with these people? Don't they know that I need them to be healthy because I'm falling apart? Why do I have to be the strong one all the time? Can't they see I'm dying here?

When I was living in my alcoholic marriage I used to drive to work and think to myself, "If I just kept driving straight without attempting to make this curve I could go off that clift over there. It would all be over. I wouldn't have to worry about these things any more." I'm back to thinking like that. Some mornings the feelings of utter dispair envelope me so much that I pray in desperation.

That's another area I have problems in. I'm actively pursuing the God of my understanding. He seems to be in the Catholic Church. I don't understand. This is so far removed from what I'm used to. I can't just go sit in a church and listen. There are rituals that need to be observed. I don't know them. I feel lost. I'm afraid I will offend those around me if I don't do these things but if I don't know what to do or why... Maybe someone will come to my rescue with that. Why do I have to become something in order to worship God? I guess I'm digging in my hills a little here. I'm a little scared but for some reason I feel better when I pursue it so I know that I'm in the right place.

As to relationships- I wish I was in one. But I'm not. It's just not in the cards for me. Maybe I'll become a nun.