How Deep is Your Love

As sung by the Bee Gees

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And it's me you need to show

Chorus:
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show

Chorus
Repeat and fade


I was thinking about relationships on my way home from work. This song came on the radio and my mind immediately went to someone- my alcoholic and addict. Well, I guess he's not mine any more. We're divorced. But I remember him telling me so many times that he was tired of me thinking that he didn't love me when he did.

I don't think he loved anyone to tell you the truth. It's hard to love someone when you have no self-love. I think he beat on himself far more than I do or ever did.

I thought about someone else because of who sang the song, too. The Bee Gees always put me in mind of the same person but then so does the song Rumors by Timex Social Club. I can be driving along in my own little world and not have thought of him all day and (poof!) along comes a song that puts him in my head. I don't know what it means. It may not mean anything really. It's kind of annoying. I mean, he isn't even talking to me any more and I haven't seen him in 4 months. I'd begun to think I'd said something to offend. Then, I felt kind of rejected. That rejection feeling wouldn't be so bad for me because I'm so used to it, but I really thought this was a real human being that I was dealing with rather than a superficial robot. Human beings are hard to come by these days. Most of us have bought into what the media says we should be attracted to and we overlook people who have some substance to them. But maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I have no real substance. Maybe I'm as shallow as they come.

Now, rather than putting him in that subhuman category, I placed myself in his shoes and realized something very important. He can't afford to make any attachments because his fate has not yet been settled. But I also look at that from another stand point. Tomorrow is not promised us. We have only today to live. By holding people at arm's length out of fear we rob ourselves of today. Today is ultimately all that we have. In the movie Rent there's a song entitled No Day But Today. It kind of sums up one of our AA/Al-Anon slogans- One Day at a Time. At any rate, I can't do anything about the situation. I miss my friend terribly and I worry about him. Of all the people I've met in the program I believe I will miss his friendship the most because I felt like I'd found a kindred spirit. For once I didn't feel like such an odd ball. Here was someone who seemed to understand.

The other person that came to mind was an oldtimer in the AA group here. I love to hear him talk about his relationship with his deceased wife. It makes me envious. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to experience a real love ever. I don't want to be joined at the hip. I don't want to be co-dependent. I want to be interdependent. I want to be in a relationship where we compliment each other. But maybe people like me never get that chance. I feel like Shrek in Shrek 2 when the Fairy Godmother says that no where in the fairy tales does it mention that ogres live happily ever after. Perhaps I am an ogre. I certainly agreed with Shrek in the first movie when he said Ogres were like onions because they had layers. My nickname is "Onion" so maybe I'm an ogre. But even he was able to achieve happiness with Princess Fiona. Wonder if there is such a person out there for me?

Oh, well. I guess I need to start following the Law of Attraction (The Secret) a little more closely. Maybe the one for me is out there somewhere. I certainly checked one out while I was shopping in Wal-Mart. He put me in mind to my estranged friend. I looked for a wedding ring. Didn't see one. Of course, these days that doesn't mean anything. My alcoholic never wore his.

It's kind of sad to me but my healthiest male/female relationship is with someone I've sort of adopted as my brother. Bless his heart, I ride his nerve a lot. I think he'd rather I divorced myself from him and unadopted him.

When I look at the four men that one song made me think of I have to laugh. They all have one thing in common- they're all recovering alcoholics! Their similarities go much deeper than that but it would take a month of Sundays to explain them. On the surface one would say that the only thing they have in common is their alcoholism, not so my friends. Wow! I can't believe I just did that. I've just had a revelation. It's so funny. Oh, if I could but share what I thought of without violating their anonymity!

Sometimes I wish my ex would call me so that I could talk to him as freely as I used to when we were friends. But then, I remember how it was when he was actively drinking and using. I really don't want to get tied up with him again. My life is far better off without him in it.