Well, today is the last day of school. Students pick up report cards and teachers begin about 6 weeks of vacation.

Last night when I got home George's wife, Sharon, called to tell me about the Special Education job open at her school. An Al-Anon buddy had already informed me of it a week ago. That's humbling for me. That someone thought enough of me to call and say, "Hey, Yo, there's a position open here. Why don't you apply for it?"

I hope I hear something soon about the positions that are available here. I'd like to go on and submit my resignation to the principal of my school. I'd like to go ahead and "dust the dirt off my feet," so to speak.

I think I'm going to forego lunch with the girls today as tempting as it is. A mudslide at Applebee's sounds good but I really can't afford the time to do that. I've eaten with them two days this week. We've had our gossip fest. I'd rather reschedule to get with them when I learn if I have a job here or not. I think I need to come home and finish cleaning. The apartment is long over due for my attention. I got so bogged down in depression that I let it go. And Mac is right, that didn't happen overnight. I've been in the downward spiral for over a year. But now that I've got a little of my second wind back I think I need to ride it out.

I came in here and flipped the perpetual calendar and found:

"With every difficulty comes an opportunity."

I've had several small difficulties. I'm trying to decide what my opportunities were. I guess it is growth.

Gratitude list for today-

A- Attitude

B- Behavior

C- Choices

D- Decisions- right or wrong, it's time to make them and act

E- Educated guesses

F- Faith, Friends, Family

G- God, grace, growth

H- Hope, humility

I- Interests- it's time to take a vested interest in my own recovery again and it's time to explore new interests

J- Job

K- Kindness

L- Limitations- I need to remember what mine are

M- Motivation

N- Nice people

O- Options

P- Perseverence

Q- Quiet solitude

R- Resolve

S- Serenity

T- Talent- I have talents I do not use

U- Unconditional love

V- Vickie

W- Wisdom, may I find some

X- Xena, may I have her energy and attitude to tackle what is in front of me

Y- Yolanda

Z- Zinnias- it's time to stop and smell the flowers

I didn't have a lot to do at school today. I just had to be present so that my students could pick up their report cards. Fourteen of them showed up. Four were left in the office.

I watched as the family I once knew at the school fell further into the deep, dark well. People were at each other's throats. I opted not to go to lunch with my friends from there because I didn't care to hear any more of the complaining.

I sat in my room awaiting students and worked in my Al-Anon books. I found a lot of the answers I sought in the new CAL- Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses- even as I watched my second family crumble.

In regards to my biological family and my reaction to my sponsor and her family here is what I found:

Even if certain family members are still living, many of us feel as if we are already mourning their loss. We grieve for loss of the relationships we wanted but couldn't have because of the disease of alcoholism. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 64.

Acceptance may not always feel good, but it can free us from the burden of old expectations. Once we reach this level of acceptance with our families, we become free to welcome other people into our lives who can be there for us in ways our families can't. Some of us refer to such people as our "family of choice." For many of us, our family of choice includes Al-Anon members. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 65.

It can be hard to imagine our lives on the other side of grief. In moving on, we may fear we'll be abandoning our loved one, our dreams, our past, or our pain. The idea of going on with our lives can leave us feeling uneasy and guilty. Refusing to allow ourselves to move on benefits no one, and ultimately damages ourselves and others. We can say, "yes" to life without forgetting our losses. Perhaps moving on isn't abandoning any one else. Perhaps it's really about choosing not to abandon ourselves. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 129.

In regard to my second family, my school family, I found this:

Life is full of change. So too are our relationships. If we're lucky, a few relationships will last our entire lives. Some will last for years, others for months or weeks. Regardless of the duration, each of our relationships has much to teach us about ourselves and can help us see the areas where we'd like to grow or change. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 77.

In regard to my third family, my recovery family, I found this:

True to the family disease of alcoholism, although presented with numerous examples of others who valued my friendship, I remained focused on the one person who didn't.... It was important for me to take my own inventory, to do what I needed for myself, and to "Live and Let Live." Other people's opinions and decisions are none of my business, and I need not take them personally. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 92-93.

I also found something to help me with another loss, a loss of a dream:

We may find ourselves obsessed with what might have been or what we could have done differently. If both people involved are willing, an open and honest discussion can help us understand how we may have contributed to any problems in the relationship. Introspection, such as this allows us the learn from our mistakes and to apply what we've learned to our relationships in the future. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 92.

Ultimately the best readings I found were these:

Healing from our losses depends so much upon our willingness to feel. Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 115.

By facing our feelings, we stop running from ourselves. Although we may have once felt burdened by our emotions, today we trust that we'll be okay no matter what we feel. After all, if we can't experience sadness, anger or pain, how can we know joy, happiness, or serenity when it comes our way? Opening Our Hearts: Transforming Our Losses, p. 131.

I just finished watching Akeelah and the Bee again. I still get the part where we all need each other in order to survive. I still get the part where we are all connected. I still get the part where Marianne Williamson's quote is read. But I saw something else today. It was the part about acceptance.

Acceptance is so important in a recovery program. It's not just about accepting the things I can't change or that I accept myself. It's about being accepted by others, welcomed into the fold. It's about that sense of family- the family of choice. I saw it in Rent, Fame, and countless others. It's about the journey of life and the people we meet on the way. It's about extending the hand of friendship and help. When I think of movies like Rent and AIDS I can't help but see a parallel between it and alcoholism. What does it matter if one has a disease? They still need love. It shouldn't take a disease for us to love one another. And yet it does. Sometimes people use their disease or their unresolved issues to isolate themselves from those who would love them for themselves. It's fear. I wonder sometimes what they could possibly be afraid of and then I think I know. It's the fear of becoming attached and then having to let go. To those people I say, take the risk. I've raged against those who have said similar things. But you know what? It really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.