"Hey! Who's in control here, anyway?"

That's what my perpetual calendar asks this morning. When I survey my home I would have to say, tongue in cheek, my cats. They had managed to rearrange things with their antics. I spent a few hours cleaning two rooms.

In my sickness, I used to think it was me that was in control. I had superhuman powers. I could pull money out of thin air. I could be two places at once. I could "make" someone do my bidding just by thinking about it. I could read your thoughts and feelings. I had superhuman strength and endurance, too. What did I get for that way of life? Tired!!!! But I did it out of love and that made everything okay. Yeah, right.

When I look at the big picture I have to say God is in control. I have no clue where the money for the various bills will come from. I have no clue about my job. I have no clue about what will happen to my three families. But He does. It's hard to turn loose of that fantasy called control. It's hard to walk by faith. It's hard to sit and do nothing. But it is necessary.

I'm not totally at rest though. I am doing something. I'm doing the footwork. I'm also cleaning up my act so to speak. Cleaning is always a good idea. I'm also doing my own inventory and focusing on myself. I am doing something.

God's message to me is "Wait". I have no clue what I am waiting for but here I sit.

I was thinking about amends. How is it that I feel like I owe an amends and when I offer one I'm told it's not me but them? Still the situation does not seem to get any better.

I have a friendship that I miss terribly. Well, actually I have two or three friendships that I miss. I thought we were getting pretty close. I guess it was one sided. I needed them and it was only supposed to be for a short while. It wasn't meant to be long term. Still, I miss them. If the situation is them and not me then why do I feel so badly?