Inner peace is achieved
by deciding in your heart
what is really important in life.

This is the message on my perpetual calendar this morning. I think it's rather fitting. It's the last day of 2007 and this has been a year of tremendous growth because I did decide what was really important.

Regrets? I have a few, but then too few to mention. Thanks, Frank, for the song. All kidding aside, I got in touch with God. I learned to let go of all the pain - the shame and the guilt= and give it to my Higher Power. I learned that I am a human being and as one person in the on-line Al-Anon group said yesterday, that is enough.

Yesterday my former sponsor e-mailed me and asked if I was going to be at my home group last night. I was considering that myself. I called to make sure another former sponsor was going to attend- she's the closest thing to an old timer that my sick group has- and then I replied. Poor Jane. She has a time with her children. She poored out her heart last night about the one who causes her the most grief and she actually cried. She showed her humanness. The thing about Jane is that I never doubted for a second that she was human. I knew that like me she did all of her crying in private. I don't know if we said anything to lighten her load on that account but she did have the opportunity to laugh with us last night.

Another odd thing happened yesterday. The paradox actually told me that he was proud of me and my recovery. He said that he was off the rails- I'm not sure what that means but it can't be anything good. Then later in the day he e-mailed me questions about how I hear songs in my mind and what I thought they meant. You know that's kind of hard to explain.

In a nut shell, I believe God speaks to me through music, poetry, and most any artistic expression. I can be in a conversation and suddenly the words to a song with pop into my head that sort of gives me clarity about what is being discussed. At other times a song will pop into my head and I have no frame of reference to it. So, I have to go and look up the lyrics to see what the message is. At other times, I have prayed for God to provide answers to my endless list of questions or for clarity and and a song will come on the radio that will put me in mind to a person, a place, or a situation. That in turn leads to memories. Then there are the times when my mind is off on Pluto or something and He sends me a song on the radio that causes me to reach out to someone.

Do I hear the song, the singer, in my mind? Well...yes and no. Sometimes I can hear the song and put a singer to it (remember who sang it) but most times it is just the song. At other times it is like the song is being recited rather than sung.

Am I singing it to someone? Hmm... when I was dealing with Q, songs popped out of my mouth before I had time to register that they were even in my head. For some reason in his case I could not remember any of the standard children's songs from my childhood. I could only remember religious songs. And that was what I sang to him. In the case of the wheel chair bound kids, the song "Little Drummer Boy" came out a lot before Christmas.

Do I think it tells me something about myself? Yes. It also tells me something about the person the song puts me in mind of or maybe their situation.

At any rate the paradox sounded so sad that I asked a fellow recovery buddy if he'd heard from him. He said that no he had not- his attempts to send e-mail had failed. I discovered that he had the wrong e-mail address and gave him the correct one. Now, see that confuses me somewhat because Mike knows Joe's e-mail. Why hasn't he communicated with him? Why me? Is it because I'm so annoying that I'm safe?

Another development between Mac and me- he looked so dejected last night sitting next to his sponsor in the front room before the meeting. My heart went out to him but I hold to my resolve. I still choose to walk away. He triggered too much while I was in the throes of my depression. I just can't befriend him at this time. It's painful just as it was when I walked away from my ex. But it has to be done.

Before I left mass yesterday I asked the deacon when my RCIA classes are to begin again. I look forward to speaking with him again. I learn so much more about my own belief system and get an inkling from his input about why I think the way I do. Until I began attending the Catholic church I hadn't learned much about the Holy Spirit. It's an awesome lesson to learn.

Oh, well I need to end this entry. I've got a lot to do today. My bff is coming to ring in the new year with me. I've got to do some last minute cleaning. The neurotic cat has shown her displeasure with me by leaving a huge calling card on the carpet here. I've also got to get some of my laundry together. Ruby, the first sponsor I had in the program, told me last night to come by her house. When I told her I had laundry to do, she told me to bring it with me. So, I'll spend a little time with Ruby today and she might come over to ring in the new year with Linda and I.

Happy New Year, everyone!