Gratitude list for today:


A- Absent children (all of the adults in the classroom are sick- it helps to have a few children out)
B- Breaks
C- Chocolate, cats
D- Dreaming
E- E-mail
F- Family, flyswatters
G- God
H- Hope
I- Internet
J- Jennifer
K- Kim, Kristopher
L- Linda, Lisa
M- Marian, Mary Jo
N- Nyquil
O- Optimism
P- Perseverance
Q- Quedarrius (I miss him)
R- Radio
S- Stephanie
T- Television
U- Umbrella
V- Vicki
W- Water
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


When I came in here this morning I turned over the perpetual calendar to see what it said but it held such a heart wrenching message for me that I dismissed it. All I could think about was how rotten I felt.

It reads:

Whom will I entertain today
in the privacy of my heart?
Are Love and Kindness welcomed in,
will Judgment play a part?
We hold the invitations,
and the guests are ours to choose.
There are those who bring us inner peace
and those who just confuse.
So, as you close your eyes tonight before you drift away,
Just take the time to ask,
"Whom did I entertain today?"

Well, of course I entertained thoughts of Q today. I miss his obsessive carrying on. I never thought I'd say that. We were making great strides. He and I had this wierd bond. But I've gotten over the initial shock and anger toward his mother for taking him to Florida. It's not something I have control over, so I let it go. I pray that angels will protect him wherever he is now. He's a good kid. I know that he is a child of God and will be okay. I have a sense of peace about him. I know my prayers will be heard.

I entertained thoughts of someone I've know now for two years. The actual thought that came to mind was the night that Sybil spoke at the Betterway House. Mike sat right in the middle of the audience, so straight and so quiet. I'd just told him about missing my friend Mark and how sad I felt that I was not around when he died. I remembered the Thursday nights that Mike attended meetings in Pulaski. I never could quite figure out why he traveled all the way over here for meetings. On the one hand I thought he was interested in an AA member but I never really saw them speak to each other. He confuses me. So often I ask God to take away thoughts and feelings that I might have for him. Today was no exception.

Another thought I had was about the Macbeth soliliquy (I'm not sure I spelled that right) about a yellow leaf falling into the sear. I was ripping the pages out of the Missouri Conservationalist magazines I have in the room, looking for pictures and phrases for collage and scrap booking. Several things caught my eye and I remembered the exchange that he and I had about that one speech. I thought about making him something along those lines but I knew that he would not appreciate it.

Today I am at peace with myself, as I have been for a few months now. I don't think it is the antidepressants. I think it is like the recovery card I found on-line today says- serenity comes from loving yourself.

I don't worry so much about what others are doing or thinking. It's a struggle but I can detach. I confided in my sponsor last night about how I think it is a shame that the people who do my inventory the most are those that know me the least. But it's okay with me today. I know where I stand. I still have problems and I have ignored some of them. But at the first of the year I will begin addressing them again.