I've just now pieced together the significance behind some of the events that happened today.

I got up this morning and checked my e-mail. I found a message from Mac. It was a chart showing how we interact with God. At the end of the message was something about the people who pass through our lives. I responded to him by saying that I miss his friendship and the friendship of some others but I am not willing to jump back into anything. I don't trust those people like I once did. They pretty well showed their true colors this summer when I was going through such a difficult time. I don't need friends like that.

It's kind of ironic about his message and my response. When I got up this morning a song was going through my head based on the conversation that I had with the deacon yesterday afternoon in my RCIA class. The song was "Which Way Are You Going."

After school I had an appointment with my therapist and the discussion centered about relationships primarily. I told her of some things that had happened since I last saw her and the confusion that was generated. I try not to analyze things any more. She didn't seem to think that I was doing that. She saw me trying to figure out why I reacted as I did. But she used a term I was unfamiliar with called "analytical mastrobation". While I will admit that I used to analyze things until I made myself sick I never realized that I was stoking a flame as her term would indicate. Something new to think about.

At any rate, I came home and finally got a chance to read my Hazelden reading for the day and it clicked as to why Mac sent that e-mail this morning. He must have received today's reading before I did.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Program friendships are special

Until we came into the program we may have thought that friendships were all alike. We counted on friends to socialize and gossip with, maybe to share a secret with. But when we were really scared about our lives and the future, we felt too vulnerable to let anyone else know our innermost thoughts.

What relief the program has brought us and what good friends! No problem seems as terrifying now that we are no longer shouldering it alone. Having to make a decision no longer overwhelms us when we have other people to discuss it with. Letting ourselves be deeply cared for, with all our faults, is a new experience too. All these gifts come automatically to us within the fellowship. All that is asked of us is that we be a friend too.

I will extend my heart in friendship today, and my concerns will be lightened.
From the book A Life of My Own by Karen Casey


Here is the song I woke up with:

Which Way Are You Going

As sung by Jim Croce

Which way are you going, which side will you be on
Will you stand and watch while, all the seeds of hate are sown
Will you stand with those who say, let his will be done
One hand on the Bible
One hand on the gun
One hand on the Bible
One hand on the gun

Which way are you looking, is it hard to see
Do you say whats wrong for him, is not wrong for me
You walk the streets, righteousness but you refuse to understand
You say you love the baby
Then you crucify the man
You say you love the baby
Then you crucify the man

Everyday, things are changing, words once honored turned to lies
People wondering, can you blame them
It's to far to run, and to late to hide
Now you turn your back on, all the things that you used to preach
Now it's let him live in freedom, if he lives like me

Well you light has changed, confusion rains, what have you become
All your olive branches turned to spears
When your flowers turned to guns
Your olive branches turned to spears
When your flowers turned to guns



After I had thought about all that I'd heard and read today another song sprang to mind:

The Weight

As sung by The Band

I pulled into Nazareth, was feelin' about half past dead;
I just need some place where I can lay my head.
"Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?"
He just grinned and shook my hand, "No!", was all he said.


(Chorus:)
Take a load off Annie, take a load for free;
Take a load off Annie, And (and) (and) you can put the load right on me.

I picked up my bag, I went lookin' for a place to hide;
When I saw Carmen and the Devil walkin' side by side.
I said, "Hey, Carmen, come on, let's go downtown."
She said, "I gotta go, but m'friend can stick around."

(Chorus)

Go down, Miss Moses, there's nothin' you can say
It's just ol' Luke, and Luke's waitin' on the Judgement Day.
"Well, Luke, my friend, what about young Anna Lee?"
He said, "Do me a favor, son, woncha stay an' keep Anna Lee company?"

(Chorus)

Crazy Chester followed me, and he caught me in the fog.
He said, "I will fix your rack, if you'll take Jack, my dog."
I said, "Wait a minute, Chester, you know I'm a peaceful man."
He said, "That's okay, boy, won't you feed him when you can."

(Chorus)

Catch a cannon ball now, t'take me down the line
My bag is sinkin' low and I do believe it's time.
To get back to Miss Fanny, you know she's the only one.
Who sent me here with her regards for everyone.

(Chorus)


I don't know what any of that means but it seems almost like a story is about to unfold. I'm not going to analyze it. I'm simply going to wait it out. This is the advent season after all. It is about waiting and anticipation.

I have a new landlord. He's going to be remodeling the apartments for an increased rent of $25. Rent will now be $325. Not bad.