I didn't sleep well last night. I ran into one of the resource teachers after church last night and found myself harboring some heavy resentments.

I threw myself at God's feet and asked that He take my thoughts and feelings from me. Prior to that I came in and very determinely worked on an outline for an inservice presentation. I also asked three people to look it over for me. Two are special education teachers and the other could give me the layman's point of view. I also thought about all of those pictures I took the year that we had so much success with reverse inclusion. If I could somehow put them in a slide show I think that would hammer my point home. But then I also have the DVD that Bobby Busch did saluting the military. All but Cory and Malik were involved in that endeavor. The problem is that that is about an hour long.

The whole stressful thing gave me a sour stomach. I was up and down all night in the bathroom. I had to give all of it to God. I've done as much as I can right now. The rest will come later.

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12 hours later

I'm tired. My body aches all over. It's not the flu. Wish it were. I really think it's a combination of things. I've got to make a doctor's appointment for spring break. Linda has already fussed at me.

Linda cut to the chase when she called earlier today. She said I hear you planning things for your job but what about Yolanda. What do you want for you?

I don't know!!! Seriously, I guess what I want is to have feel good physically again. I want to get up in the morning with a bounce in my step and I want to shine.

I also want to have someone in my life that loves me. It's not about co-dependence. Lord knows I've had enough of that. I want to feel loved when I'm in the company of someone. I don't want to feel like I have to compete or earn someone's affection. I want it to be freely given just as I want to be able to give it freely. It's not about sex either. I've got a Xandria catalog that I can order things out of. It's about companionship and autonomy. It's about being loved and accepted no matter what. I'm just not sure that exists.

If it does exist I'd like for the cards to be laid out on the table. I'm tired of playing games. I keep putting my heart out there and responding to men only to have them back out of what they've said. I wind up looking like a fool and holding the pieces of my shredded heart. I'd rather do without than to go through that again. You know what I mean?

I think I see something on the horizon. I'm not fighting it but I'm not forcing things either. I guess I just don't fully trust what my instincts are telling me. But I'm getting better.

Add to that that I'd like to be on a better footing financially. I know that I'll never be debt free but I'd like to put a dent in the debt that I have. It has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.

The only thing I know for sure right now is that I have a personal relationship with the God of my understanding. I guess that means that the rest will be taken care of by Him.