Do you ever remember your dreams?

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I remember them very clearly- almost as if I was there.

The past few nights I've been dreaming about looking for someone. One night I was at a class reunion (maybe because I have one coming up); another night I was a teacher to some teenagers (like I once was many years ago).

Last night's dream is a little fuzzy except that there were two songs that kept playing over and over. I woke up with one of the songs in my head and for the life of me I can't remember the other song.

I know that our dreams mean something, that we try to figure out the problems in our waking state while we sleep. So who am I looking for? Apparently it's someone very important to me. I guess I'll never figure that out.

At any rate, I did look up the words to the song that I remembered and if it's supposed to mean something I don't know what it is. I haven't had a fight with anyone and to my knowledge I haven't lied to anyone. I guess it could represent my ex-husband (we did fight and I did lie to him to protect myself) but I'm not looking for him and have every intention of staying away from him. Being emotionally, mentally and physically abused is not my idea of love.

Then, I had another train of thought. Maybe it's not about having an actual fight. Maybe it's about needing to get some things off my chest. And maybe I'm not the one who has lied. Maybe it's the other person. But I still don't know who it is. I don't come into contact with many people who I'd categorize as special.

But it could be about trust, too. While we waited for Vicki on Wednesday for lunch, MJ and I had a long talk. I told her about some of the latest developments in my life because she asked. When I got to the part about my bff she was appalled that Linda would do some of the things she's been doing. It was like she was sabotaging things for me. Why? MJ knows how fiercely independent I am and how proud. She couldn't believe that Linda was arranging things without my input. But it floored her even more that she was e-mailing two of my friends. She has overstepped some major boundaries. I can't be too angry at her. She serves as my mirror- she's doing the things I used to do. These days I've let go of trying to control anything but myself and even then I my controls over self aren't so rigid.


Around the World

As sung by Lisa Stansfield

Spoken:
I don’t know where my baby is
But I’ll find him, somewhere, somehow
I’ve got to let him know how much I care
I’ll never give up looking for my baby

Chorus:
Been around the world and I, I, I
I can’t find my baby
I don’t know when, I don’t know why
Why he’s gone away
And I don’t know where he can be, my baby
But I’m gonna find him

We had a quarrel and I let myself go
I said so many things, things he didn’t know
And I was oh oh so bad
And I don’t think he’s comin’ back, mm mm

He gave the reason, the reasons he should go
And he said so many things he never said before
And he was oh oh so mad
And I don’t think he’s comin’, comin’ back

I did too much lyin’, wasted too much time,
Now I’m here a’cryin’, I, I, I

Chorus

So open hearted, he never did me wrong
I was the one, the weakest one of all
And now I’m oh oh so sad
And I don’t think he’s comin’ back, comin’ back

I did too much lyin’, wasted too much time,
Now I’m here a’cryin’, I, I, I

Chorus x 2

I’m gonna find him, my baby

I did too much lyin’, wasted too much time,
Now I’m here a’cryin’, I, I, I

Chorus

I’ve been around the world, lookin’ from my baby
Been around the world, and I’m gonna
I’m gonna find him

Chorus


I've had some time to think about this thing called trust. It's been a topic I've journaled on a lot. It's hard for me to trust people when I don't feel like they're being totally honest with me- like they're holding something back. But then I hold back, too. So, I must be kind of hypocritical here, huh?

Just now I heard a song on the TV that jarred a memory. It was almost like I heard the rebuttal at the same time. There's a poem (I don't remember the name of it right off hand) where a shephard is talking to his love. Years later came the love's reply by another poet. These songs in my head are kind of like that.

Strong Enough

As sung by Sheryl Crow

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

That song spoke to me. It's the same old co-dependent nature coming out. A lie used to be okay if it meant I wasn't alone. The rebuttal seems to come from a healthier stance.


Strong Enough to Be Your Man

As sung by Travis Tritt

I know there's times
You've been tormented by the questions in your mind
Will our love last
Or simply fade away as time begins to pass
You're a complicated lady that's for sure
With a need for someone unafraid to make you feel secure
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to be your man
Yes,I am
Yes,I am

Don't let yourself imagine it's a lie
I'm not the kind to turn and say goodbye
And though you test my soul
And make yourself so hard to hold
I'm gonna make you understand
I'm strong enough to be your man

Do you believe
When I look in your eyes and swear
I'll never leave
What will it take
To make you know that what we have is here to stay
Yes,I know that you've been loved and left before
But I promise you won't ever see me walking out the door
And if you wonder if I'm strong enough to your man
Yes,I am
Yes,I am

But maybe the rebuttal also comes from a co-dependent nature. Who knows? I can't analyze things any more or I don't want to. All I know is that I'm kind of in the Eliza Doolittle mode right now. She told her beau to stop talking of love and show her. I think actions speak louder than words. But at times the actions are so opposite from the words spoken that I get confused.

Show Me

From My Fair Lady

Freddy:
Speak and the world is full of singing,
And I'm winging Higher than the birds.
Touch and my heart begins to crumble,
The heaven's tumble, Darling, and I'm...

Eliza:
Words! Words! Words!
I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above;
If you're in love,
Show me!

Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire.
If you're on fire,
Show me!

Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat!
Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch?
Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me!

Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow.
Show me now!
Sing me no song!
Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all!
Show me!

Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Day one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms
Hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine,"
Show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!


* I looked up the two poems. They are "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" by Christopher Marlowe and "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd" by Sir Walter Raleigh.