I'm not sure what's going on right now. Yesterday I learned that the special ed. supervisor wanted to meet with us on Wednesday after school to talk about, among other things, inclusion. I had just submitted an outline on the topic to the principal. But I wasn't sure with the way the e-mail was worded whether or not I was in hot water. Communication around here is very fuzzy. Today I learned that the principal expected me to present some of my ideas in the faculty meeting after school. I was not prepared. So, I just said a prayer and told them all that I wasn't prepared. I gave a brief summary and offered to lend a copy of my book to them. I don't feel that I need to tell teachers with more experience than I how to teach. Not sure where any of this will lead but I don't get a bad vibe about any of it.

Introspection. I think I'm going to go further inward to discover why I react to certain people the way that I do. I know that some of the things going on are hang ups on the part of the other people but I don't want to get into the Blame Game any more. I have to look at my part in things and go from there.

Right now I do not have a sense of reality around a large portion of the things going on in my life. I feel like I'm watching someone else's soap opera. I know that doesn't make any sense but I'm unsure how else to explain it. All I know is that my instincts tend to tell me something totally different from what my eyes and ears are telling me. I've been right on target a few times but this is scary stuff and I back off more times than not because I'm afraid that my instincts are right. I'm not sure how to handle situations based on my intuition. I just know what I feel.

I'm a little bummed out right now. I feel like I've been robbed of something that was mine. It's like no matter what I do someone else wants to take credit for it or totally take it from me. You know this sense of what is and isn't reality is totally new to me. I know that good things are coming my way and they are mine for the taking. I just don't understand why others people want to ruin it. One person keeps telling me things like "it can't be done" or "it's a waste of time." Another tells me things like "I don't want you to get your hopes up" or "you've got unrealistic expectations." Now that is what I'm really pissed off about! How dare someone tell me that what I feel isn't important! My feelings, just like my dreams and thoughts, are my own. They belong to me.

Where does intuition come into play? If I see something as tangible why does it bother me when others tell me it isn't? These things are mine for the taking. I know they are. This reality I see isn't perfect but it's mine based on my life experiences. Why is wanting it so wrong? Why is having it so wrong? So, what if it isn't what others would desire? It's what I want, damn it.

I don't know. I don't look at the past. What a person was or did in the past doesn't matter to me. I did a lot of things and was portrayed a certain way. That's what I was- it's the past. I only look at the here and now. If my Higher Power tells me that something is possible, that something is tangible, isn't it wrong of me to say, "But in the past...." Yesterday is gone. It doesn't matter any more.

Could it be that my intuition is totally screwed up, that my instincts aren't to be trusted? I guess I just need some sort of sign to let me know that all of this is real.

I'm not sure why this song popped in my head just now but I'm going to include it here any way.

Tainted Love

As sung by Soft Cell

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

(chorus)
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want it any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'll think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

(chorus...)

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love (x2)
Touch me baby, tainted love (x2)
Tainted love (x3)


I think it may in some way be tied to what the reading on my perpetual calendar says:

"I'm convinced that everybody
should run away from home
at least once,
with absolutely no destination in mind-
just following the heart
wherever it leads--
even if it's only for a day!"