I find this newsletter both synchronistic and funny. I want an Easter miracle for myself. I want validation that what I've seen and heard are so. I guess that makes me a descendent of the apostle Thomas. I have to see things to believe.

So, when I received this newsletter this morning I just had to share it. It's not that everything that is in it are my thoughts but some come pretty close. The title drew me in.

I also have to realize that my Easter miracle may be self-will rather than God's will.


The ACIM Mentor Newsletter
March 21, 2008

Miracles Are Easy But Resistance is Strong

"The name of Jesus is the name of one who was a man but saw the face of Christ in all his brother and remember God. So he became identified with Christ, a man no longer, but at one with God." (C-5.2)

This quote from A Course in Miracles used to piss me off. I wanted to attain Christ Consciousness, too, but I just wanted to be Christ, I didn't want to have to see Christ everywhere. This was so contrary to the way that I understood things worked! If I was Christ, why would I see Christ everywhere? It didn't make sense. Wasn't I supposed to find God within? Why did I have to change what I was seeing in the world? I couldn't make the connection between myself and what I was seeing in the world.

And yet this was the central teaching of the Course! Everything is Mind; we only see our own minds, we are always teaching ourselves what we are by what we choose to perceive. I was so resistant I made the simplest thing - a miracle - so difficult. Let me give you an example of how easy a miracle is:

You're sitting in a waiting room waiting for your car to get a lube job. There's an obese, sloppy man sitting across from you picking his nose. The ego always speaks first so the moment you see him the ego goes off in your mind: "Look at this pig. He's so fat! His ugly, hairy stomach is sticking out of his shirt and it's so disgusting. And look at those clothes! Just because he's fat that's no reason to wear dirty clothes with holes in them. Geesh. Gag, look, he's picking his nose!" etc. These thoughts don't make you feel so good so you stop and you decide you are going to extend God's Love - a miracle - instead. You can do this with your eyes opened or closed. So you turn your mind inward and you remember that only God is really present and you allow yourself to feel this. You extend this awareness out from your mind to fill the room and encompass all you see. Suddenly you are taking a deep breath and relaxing. You are filled with peace and joy. You look over at the man and catch his eye and you smile because you are so filled with joy that you just want to give and give and give. He smiles back. You want to laugh because he has no teeth and just a few seconds ago that would have driven you crazy and now you see how it is nothing. All of it is nothing. Only God is Real and God is Everywhere. A miracle has occurred: You have changed your mind.

For the heavy, sloppy man you can substitute anything: Pictures of starving children; a car accident you are driving past; your teenager screaming in your face; your boss firing you, etc. Remember, there is no order of difficulty in miracles. Every illusion of separation is the same and every miracle that undoes it is the same.

Changing your mind so simply does not seem so difficult, does it? And yet students tell me all the time how hard it is to do this. And I remember how hard it was for me. What is difficult is not the mechanics of the miracle but finding the motivation to do it. The ego knows that something is going on that does not involve it in any way. If you happen to slip a miracle by it, it will attack viciously. It will tell you nothing real happened just because you thought lovey-dovey thoughts and felt good. It will downplay it and try and push it out of your mind. Though you remember how good you felt if you listen to the ego you will resist doing it again and wonder why you feel so far from God.


In time, miracles motivate more miracles because you want to be at peace and you become willing to do what you have to do to be at peace. But in the beginning the ego's resistance is strong. Make no mistake: As simple as it is, a miracle is a profound moment that undoes the ego and the ego knows it. You are never the same after a miracle and the world is never the same for you after a miracle. Through a miracle you learn that you don't live in the world; you live in your thoughts about the world. You decide what the world is for you based on what you want for yourself: Separation from God or Oneness with God. The world as the ego sees it is a great deception and extending a miracle is how you undeceive yourself. You are Christ, you are One with God and the only way to know it is to extend this awareness to the part of your mind that seems to be the world. It's that simple.

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I went to see my therapist today. I was tired. I ache all over and I'm stressed out over a lot of stuff. Melanie said she couldn't quite put her finger on what she was seeing in my face but she said I was definitely far from being serene. We talked for a while.

I'm bummed out by my family again. To feel any sense of serenity I have to stay away from them. Melanie said that I could go around my family and keep my serenity if I realized that it was they who needed to change. What? I have no control over my family. They are who they are- they're not about to change. I think it's best if I just keep ducking and dodging them.

I told Melanie about the newsletter from my ACIM mentor. I told that the guy picking his nose represents my family. She went, "Wow!" She complimented me on forgiving them. But I don't really have that going on as much as she might think. I resent the hell out of my family. I really feel like I was left with nothing when my father died. I was angry with him for a long time.

I talked to her about the paradox and my confusion. She said it sounded like Mike was just as confused as I am. She asked me if I could be satisfied if Mike and I had just a really close friendship. I think I could. I just need to have my role explained to me. Sometimes it feels like he's put me on this pedastal and at other times he's dug a hole and completely buried me.

I talked to her about Linda. She commented on Linda's lack of boundaries. She's right, of course, but I can't blame Linda for all that has gone on. I played a part in it, too. She felt like she was rescuing her sister. It's the enabler in her.

I also talked to her about Sam. She knows him and says he is just the sweetest guy. I know that Sam is a sweet guy. But he's got a lot of problems. He's in therapy and he is working on them. I think he's going to turn out to be just a very good friend.

We talked about the Easter vigil tomorrow night. I want to be excited but what I feel is this sense of utter, I don't know what word to use, soberness, maybe. I just feel like I'm finally getting the whole thing. Why wasn't all this shown to me before now? I'm grateful that Marian is going with me but I kind of wish I had someone from my biological family going. Mom wants to but she is limited physically. It makes me feel even more isolated.

I told Melanie that I was fine with that. I have to be. I'm making myself be fine with it. I can't change my family. I explained to her how negative my family is and how they are constantly bringing up the things I did in the past. Even positive celebrations seem to have some sort of negative memory from my past attached to it. That being the case, I'm glad none of them are going with me. But it doesn't prevent me from hurting over it. Melanie says I'm going through some bizarre grief situation with my family. I think she's right.

So, once I've made peace with it what will I have left? I've been given an assignment to find myself some social situations and to do something just for me this week while I'm off. I plan to go swimming a few times next week in Lewisburg at the Recreation Center. I just want to soak in the jacuzzi. My bones ache so much.