I need to get my feelings out here in this blog because if I don't I will explode. This is actually not my first attempt. I had typed a few lines when my neurotic cat lay down next to the keyboard and deleted all that I had typed. I regrouped. I walked away and went to check on my breakfast in the oven and came back. Still pissed off about what I began typing about but not angry with my cat.

I never knew how much I affected Joey when I tried to "help" him or nudge him in a particular direction. I must have pissed him off royally. It doesn't feel so good when I'm on the receiving end.

I mentioned once in passing to Linda that I might explore the lap band surgery or the gastro-bipass(This conversation came after an OB-GYN appoinment.). The next think I know she's sending me information via e-mail and snail mail. My intention was to research both surgeries on-line and request information sent to my home. I can do some things for myself. It totally pissed me off when she did that. But I over looked it because she's my best friend. But every time we get on the telephone she starts talking about "when you have your surgery". I'm so bummed out with the topic that I just quit looking into it.

She does not realize what a big deal this is for me. I've never been in the hospital except to stay with people who've just had some procedure done. I've never had any kind of major surgery. I've had a few outpatient procedures and that's it. I've been in the emergency room a few times but only at times when the doctor's office is closed. I don't go to the doctor unless I'm half dead. I don't like doctors. I really needed to do this research at my own pace.

Then I mention to her that I'd like her to meet some of my friends. The next thing I know she and Elyce are exchanging letters via snail mail. That was okay. I didn't really care one way or another. Then it was e-mails. The next thing I know I'm no longer hearing from my friend Elyce. At first it didn't bother me. Elyce's e-mails are filled with "Calvin did this" and "Calvin did that". The first 100 e-mails you get like that you just begin to delete.

When she e-mailed Mike she crossed the line. I know her intentions were good. She was trying to reach out to another single person in recovery. She was networking. Her intention is to gather up singles in recovery to get them in one spot for roundups or retreats because she feels like the third wheel when only couples attend. She's right it is a lonely feeling. But she's so flirtateous that I think he took offense and thought we were talking about him in a different way. I honestly had not said much about him to Linda in that way. I've talked about how much I admire and respect him. I've told of his weird personality that matches mine and that's about it. I told her that we had made up nick names for each other. recently. Now, he's pissed at me. He's no longer e-mailing me. That's saddens me because I regard him as someone special. He seems to totally "get" me and that is rare.

Now I mention that I might want to attend an Al-Anon retreat in Cullman, Alabama she totally takes over and arranges a place for both of us to stay. The retreat is at a Catholic abbey. Did it ever occur to her that I might want to soak up that atmosphere now that I am prosuing Catholicism and will be confirmed next Sunday? Geez.

She's been at it in other ways, too. She's attempting to plan a girl's weekend with Elyce and I without consulting either of us about what we might like to do. Last night she talked about coming up here in April for a visit. I think she knows I'm pissed off at her. I've been rather distant. I just feel like she's taken over my life.

But I think I might be getting a dose of my own medicine, so can I really stay mad at her? I was talking to Marian about this last night inadvertantly and she said, "If you spot it, you got it." Meaning, I have a mirror of some sort in front of me. Oh, man. I guess that means I've got some more work to do in that department.


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Here I am several hours removed from this morning's entry. I've been thinking about some things. Had a two hour nap. Feel refreshed.

I am praying for a miracle here or asking for a sign. I don't know if all I've perceived is true or not. So I've asked for a sign. I have asked for one surrounding the Easter Mass on Saturday. I hate to show doubt but the priest today said that it was okay to have doubts because it showed that there was faith. So, I guess if what I see is true a certain someone will be present on Saturday night in Fayetteville with me. It's very doubtful. I'm not even sure he still attends a church. And besides why would he do anything for me?

It's a Miracle

As sung by Barry Manilow

You wouldn't believe where I've been
The city and towns I been in
From Boston to Denver
And every town in between

The people they all look the same
Only the names have been changed
But now that I'm home again
I'll tell you what I believe

It's a miracle
A true blue spectacle
A miracle come true
We're together, baby-I was goin' crazy
'til the miracle
Came through
Now you here,and my arms are around you
And baby, there'll be
Dancin' in the streets
For the miracle
A true blue spectacle
The miracle is you

I never knew you look so good
I never knew any one could
I must have been crazy
To ever had gone away

I almost forgot what it's like
Holdin' you near me at night
But now that I'm home again
You know that I'm home to stay

Cause' its a miracle
A true blue spectacle
A miracle come true
We're together, baby-I was goin crazy
'til the miracle came through
Now you here and I'm feelin so good
And baby there'll be
Dancin' in the streets
For the miracle
A true blue spectacle
The miracle is you

Now you here and my arms are around you
And baby there'll be dancing in the street
There's going to be dancing in the street
Dancing in the street

Dancin',dancin', dancin , dancin'
Dancin' in the street
Dancin', dancin',dancin' in the street
For the miracle
A true blue spectacle
The miracle is you
Hey, the miracle is you
The miracle is you