Wading across troubled waters
requires a courageous mind...
Trying to leap across requires
no mind at all.


This is my message on my perpetual calendar today and it sort of fits. I just read a new e-mail from the paradox. I can only shake my head in disbelief. Once again he has totally missed the boat.

The whole thing about songs running through my mind is not what he thinks they are. I don't think it's an attempt for someone to control me or for me to control someone else. Sometimes I share what I hear because of the mental illness in my family. My thought sometimes is that I am also mentally ill- that I've totally lost it. Now that may seem like approval seeking but my program tells me that I need to share my thoughts with someone else in order to keep a grip on reality. There are other times I share a song because I'm happy, sad or angry and I need to reach out to share those feelings. Yes, sometimes I share a song that I think someone needs to hear because I still want to "fix" things. I truly want everyone to be happy. I guess that is manipulating another person's feelings.

After reading his e-mail I began to think once again that this man really and truly hates me but I'm beginning to think that there is something else behind all his cynicism. Oh, well, he has to work those things out for himself. I can't do it for him or, more to the point, I won't do it for him. Know what? I may have to walk away from him like I did Mac. I can't get myself worked up about someone else's opinion. I'm still in survival mode. I still have a lot of things going on that are crucial to me staying focused.

I received another e-mail this afternoon. I'm not sure what's really going on with this dude. All I can think to say is, "Brother's got issues." It feels like he's picking a fight with me. On the one hand the sick person in me wants to jump into the fray and on the other I choose to let it go. I could analyze what his behavior means but I just don't want to get sick again. You know what I mean?

Today I will try to find myself a sub for Monday. I think going with my mother to the hospital is the right thing to do. She needs to have an interpreter there for when the doctor tells her something. He's from another country and she can't get past his accent. Jamie has been in for Jennifer the last two days. She said she'd come for me on Monday. Nancy will be in for me on the 18th.

This weekend I've got to work on a pretty tight lesson plan and get my evaluation forms filled out. I've got an observation on Wednesday. I wish the drama queen would be out sick that day. It would make things a lot easier.

George brought me this used keyboard from his son, Wynne. Very grateful. I was tired of borrowing.