The self-hate tapes began playing this morning. I don't know what's prompted them but they are replaying past wrongs. I'm trying to shut them down.

I thought if I looked at "control" I might find some answers. I recognize that in this life I have very little control over anything. I can't change the past- it's over and done with. I can't decide the future- it will unwind in its own time. What I have is right here and now.

So what do I have control over? Well, to hear Thelma talk, I do not have control over whether I got up this morning. She gives the credit to God. But I beg to differ with her slightly. God gave me the ability to get out of bed this morning but He also gave me free will. I could decide to stay in bed and wallow in the self-hate or I could get up and start my day. I recognize that God has given me gifts- health, common sense, etc.- but it is up to me as to how I use them.

So, as I acknowledge the gifts that God has given me, I ask again: What do I have control over? Well, in a nutshell, I only have control over my physical self and a limited amount of space around me.

I decided which of the canned cat foods to feed my cats. I decided whether to remove it from the cans and put it in the bowls or whether to merely put the cans inside the bowls.

I decided to take a bath rather than a shower. I had input into when I bathed. I could decide to use soap versus bath gel. I used a bath cloth. I could have used a luffa or a sponge.

I washed my hair. I had a choice in shampoos. I conditioned my hair. I could have decided not to condition it. I also had two choices in which conditioner to use.

I brushed my teeth, I might have chosen not to.

I put on deodorant, again I could have decided to leave that off.

I lotioned my body, again I had a choice.

I got dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. There were other items of clothing I could have chosen.

I took my medication.

I defragged my computer and restarted it.

I read my e-mail. I chose to blog rather than to share with my on-line group about my self-hate tapes. I could have shared with my sponsor as well.

I do have some control over the choices that I make. This list proves that. So, I have a choice over whether I allow my self-hate tapes to influence my opinion of myself. I could worry about why they are playing right now or I can let them go. I can give into them or I can start another set of tapes which say that I am loveable, capable of loving and loved.

Isn't it wonderful to know that I have the freedom to choose?