Life Ain't Always Beautiful

As sung by Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
'Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride


This is not the song I woke up with on my radio alarm but this is the song that God led me to this morning.

I took too long a nap yesterday when I got back from the hospital with Mom. I had a hard time going to sleep. Things kept going over and over in my mind about finances. I got up around 1:30 and checked my e-mail, went to the bathroom and changed my gown. It's hot here even with the heat turned off. This is tornado weather.

I got up with a splitting head ache. I've taken asprin but it doesn't seem to be going away. This could be a long, long day.

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The head ache went away gradually after I'd eaten something and drank a diet Pepsi. I had a lot of paperwork to do today. It was kind of a slow, boring day.

I've got a neighbor causing me problems. For reasons unknown to me, he thinks I owe him something. He's constantly asking me for money, the use of my telephone, and for me to give him a ride somewhere. I don't trust him. So, I turn him down. I feel bad afterwards but I have to remind myself each and every time that that is how enabling starts. I feel bad for someone, hate to offend or hurt their feelings and the next thing I know I'm sucked into their neediness. Right now my cup runs over with opportunities to take care of myself. I really don't need to feel responsible for someone else. Still he persists in laying on the guilt. I side stepped it today but it makes me a little angry and resentful to feel put upon and manipulated.

I've also gone over some of the things that the paradox said to me. One day he compliments me and the next he deflects his self-hate onto me. I've got to stop valuing everyone else's opinion so much that I take things personally. It's easier when it's a neighbor or someone I don't know. It's harder when it's someone I value as a person. This goes right along with what I've been working on for months and what I am actually working on for my RCIA class tomorrow- humility.

My Al-Anon literature suggests that now is the time for me to make a list of my good points. The first time I tried this 4 years ago, I could not think of one single solitary thing and turned to my alcoholic for help. Wrong thing to do. There wasn't much he liked about me at that point. Here is a list of the good things that I know about myself today:

I am sensitive to other people's feelings. I go out of my way not to say anything to hurt someone else because I wish to have the same consideration bestowed on me.

I do not put myself above others or put on airs. I recognize that I am no better than anyone else.

I try not to put others above me because I recognize that I am no worse than anyone else either.
I am educated and intelligent.

I have a keen sense of humor and love to laugh.

I try to maintain a positive attitude.

I am creative and have some artistic talent.

I am highly analytical and examine things from all sides.

I am cautious and careful.

I like to do research.

I am an abstract thinker, exploring possibilities.

I am not prejudice. I have friends and acquaintance from a diverse background. My bff says that we (she and I) embody Martin Luther King's dream. We're of different races, religious back ground and age groups. Yet we are as close as sisters.

I am spiritually minded and believe in one God.

I take responsibility for my own actions.

I'm a good listener.

I am extremely independent.

I've been studying on humility. I never regarded myself as lacking humility until I came into recovery.

For a long time I did not see my attributes because I was the invisible child or the person others put down. When I began to love myself I felt that by acknowledging the good things about myself I was being conceited.

What I've learned is that humility is a double edged sword. When I put myself down or practice what the paradox refers to as self-depreciation I am playing the martyr and, in a sense, drawing more attention to myself. When I pat myself on the back or brag I am being conceited and drawing too much attention to myself.

I guess humility is acknowledging to myself that I am loved and being content with whatever form it takes from myself and others. It is also placing more importance on my standing with God than with man. It is saying, "This is who I am" and not worrying what others think as long as I am obeying the two greatest commandments- to love God with all my mind, heart and soul and to love my neighbor as myself.

I am grateful that the paradox brought this to my attention. I will work on how I express myself from now on.

Tomorrow the principal will be evaluating me. I'm afraid she won't see much. Our only mobile child goes out to inclusion for an hour. That leaves the three in wheel chairs. One of them will be absent. That narrows the playing field down even futher. We'll see what happens. I still wonder why she did not use some of that time she observed me with Q for an evaluation. I could have produced a behavioral lesson plan and unit. We'd already have this behind me.

I'm pushing it to get paperwork completed. When I work on that I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It's not such a great feeling.