This morning I got up looking forward to the day. I don't think it's my antidepressant medication. I think it is because I worked 3 days on my classroom and have some things in place that will work. But I also think it is a result of making a few minor changes in my routine.

First I brought my radio back home from the classroom. It dawned on me that part of what I looked forward to in my drive to and from work was the music playing on the radio or the silly discussion between the DJ and his coworkers. But it had also occurred to me that without cable I had relied heavily on the VCR/DVD player. Without it I had nothing except the CDs that I could listen to being played on the computer. But that didn't offer me a variety. Listening to music is my connection with my Higher Power and the rest of the world.

Second I reached out to Kenny and although I did not tell him whom I was talking about I got to get my feelings about it out in the open. I am amused for the most part. I feel like I know something down in my bones that is coming down the pike and I am so looking forward to it. At the same time I feel like I know the who, what, when, where and how of the situation and I am confused. I had pretty much written off the who in this equation because he seemed so far off the path about who I am that it bothered me tremendously. I'd also written him off because he kept me confused with what he said and his actions. They didn't go together. Kenny reminded me of something. God doesn't have a pen to write people off. If something is in His plan, it will happen. The thing about it is that it requires a 180 degree turn or greater on the part of this other person.

Third, I relied on my own ingenuity to get some things done. I still have things I have not done due to laziness of my own but they will get done. The beauty of living alone and not having company is that you can take your time about the things you do around your home.

Fourth, I set a boundary with Elyce due to the limited minutes on my cell phone. I spoke to her twice yesterday. I listened and repeated the same thing I always say to her about her financial situation. She needs a separate checking account from her alcoholic.

All in all I feel prepared for the day. I know I'll hear a little flack from the assistants and the kids but, oh, well.

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Today went very well. The kids adjusted to the new schedule. I got the impression it was more in line with what they were used to. And the assistants did not balk at all. I was surprised.

I began bus duty today with the librarian. Two days this week I'll be later leaving at the end of the day.

I begin RCIA classes soon. I'm the only one to sign up. The deacon says we'll meet twice a month. What I didn't understand was that he wanted me to take part in my first Easter ceremony in Fayetteville rather than in Pulaski. He said we'd talk about it later.

Mac e-mailed today to say that his computer has been in the shop and that that was the reason for the silence on his end. Huh? What made last week different from all summer? I'm so used to him not talking to me that it really went unnoticed. I just responded by saying that I was without a telephone until Friday when hopefully everything will be hooked up. What point was there in commenting on what his behavior has been like the last few months? I've come to believe that we aren't going to be friends again. And I'll never really know the truth behind what happened. I tend to think that someone has been repeating half statements and twisting them around to suit. But who really cares? A person who only wants to be my friend when things are going well isn't really a friend worth having. Life happens and it isn't always pleasant.

I guess what really hurts the most is that I felt that I had finally found a "family" that I fit in with. I've discovered that it was all an illusion. So, I'm back to feeling like I belong nowhere.