I've been thinking (yeah, I know- groan). I have placed every man I've met in the last 4 years in Joey's shoes. And then I had to look at it from an even wider angle. I had placed Joey in my father's shoes as he was my primary alcoholic.

I did not bond with my mother as her time was taken up with my brother and his disability. I bonded with my alcoholic father who was seldom at home. So my primary male relationship was with a roller coaster of a man who fluctuated between being quiet and withdrawn to being a raging inferno. He died when I was thirteen.

I think I've spent my whole life trying to find my father's replacement in my life. It's not about trying to make someone be something they aren't. I think it's more or less an attempt to find something I've lost or to make amends for something. It's hard to explain.

All of this has come to mind because I am corresponding with Joey from time to time. I have no intention of becoming involved with him again but it's nice to talk to someone I have so much history with. It has made a difference. But I think the biggest difference has been in corresponding with my on-line friend, Kenny. He gives me an opportunity to see things from a different perspective.