The message my Higher Power is sending me today is that there are better things coming down the pike. Thank goodness for that. I don't think I can stay in this valley much longer.

I pawned my DVD/VCR player and the rare coins. I did what my Higher Power told me to do. They didn't bring much but they bought a few groceries and put a little gas in the tank. There is still that little TV out there and if they were able to fix the VCR in it I will get $20 for it. That's gas and money for the lunchroom lady (my charges are adding up).

I got out early this morning with the Wal-Mart charge card that the central office gave me and I stayed well within my budget. I even found 2 floor puzzles! Then before I went to the pawn shop I swung by my classroom and rearranged some things. I'm not finished yet but I have tomorrow and Monday that I can finish it up. I did get a lot done in 2 hours. I don't know if the two assistants will be happy with their new work stations but I had to get them off those computers and back onto the floor with the students. I've got a few things to fix up for the two wheel chair students and the makings of centers. It will take a while for me to get some things put together because I'm still missing some materials and I need an extra person to help me with some lifting. But all in all I am pleased with the way my classroom is shaping up. But I still don't like the cages that the previous teacher put in. They're bolted into the floor. There's no hope of getting them undone.

I need to work on my own home before Friday when the Pulaski Electic people come by to install the internet,phone system and cable. They need to have better access to the TV and computer. So, I'll be cleaning here off and on as well as working in my classroom. With out my VCR/DVD player to entertain me, there isn't much else I can do. I can watch TV as I work in my classroom and I can bring my radio back to the apartment to listen to as I clean here.

It came to me last night that it's not so much as feeling victimized and trapped in my circumstances as it is that I'm emulating my mother. I need to be more proactive like my father was. The phrase "act as if" came into my mind and I decided to act as if things are going well or in another sense "to fake it 'til I make it". I may not have all the tools I need to get the job done but I do have something deeply engrained in my personality that I learned from my father. I can improvise. I can take a few odds and ends to rig up something that will work for a little while until something better comes along. That's the legacy that my father left me- it was not some old coins that sat in the lock box. He also taught me to earn what I get. He was a worker and a scavenger. He did the best he could with what he had and so am I.

Life isn't wonderful but it's a far cry from what it was.

I have no clue what is going on in the world around me. I might as well be on an island. But it makes what is happening to me all the more real. It's just God, me and the cats. Not a bad place to be really. It gets a little lonely at times but it was somehow lonelier when there were all these people around. They expected me to be something I wasn't and could never be. Maybe now that the real me is shining through I'll see who my true friends are.