I think I've finally caught the bug that has been going through the school. I'm sick. I think I'll go back to bed.

You know when you're not feeling well and you keep to yourself in order to heal the body, you have a lot of time to think. It came to me today that I really do need to talk to someone who will listen without judging me. I've thought about writing to Joey and telling him some of the things I've done recently that are bothering me. I just feel the need to tell someone. He's in no position to judge anyone and I think he'd understand. The problem is that I really don't want to get sucked into the whole friendship thing with my ex. I don't trust him but I really do miss talking to him. The last time I spoke to him he sounded like the Joey I knew and loved. He wasn't anything like that monster that he became while he was on drugs and drinking. Still, it's probably not in my best interest to get back into that.

I guess in some ways Mac was right. I did see some of my male friends as Joey but not in the sense that he thought. It's just that I missed having a male friend that I could confide in. It's not the same with female friends. I can't explain it really. It was never than anyone became Joey. It was more like all of these men were stepping in to fill the void that was left from my primary alcoholic- my dad. See, I never felt like I fit in with Mom and Barry. They have this bond that I've never been included in. I didn't really have that with my dad but with him being the only parent left to bond with...well, I became Daddy's little girl. It wasn't like I was looking for a father figure. I just felt the need to fit somewhere with someone.

Last night I was watching this movie called "Love on the Side" and I heard the primary female character say the words that I feel. At some point I just want someone to want to be with me. I want to be loved for who I am at this moment, not someone that I will become. I may never be all that a man wants but I had always hoped I might be what they need.

Before I die I want to know what it feels like to be loved, truly loved, and wanted. I don't want to be needed any more. I don't want to be leaned on for a while but I would like to experience for a brief time what it is like to lean on someone.

I've made a mess of a lot of things in my life. I've been taking responsibility for them, too. But there are times that I feel like the unwed pregnant mother who is left to have a baby with no support and to raise it on her own. I took on the responsibility of a bankruptcy when the debt belonged to both Joey and I. Yet I am the only one paying for them. It's not that I'm in the self-pity mode. Although sometimes I go there. It's not that I'm angry or resentful either. My biggest issue is that of guilt and shame. I wish I'd have chosen a different path at times.

I've said and done a lot of things that I'm not proud of in an attempt to figure out what I believe, feel and think. I confess that sometimes I get lost in my thoughts. Sometimes I actively avoid them and try to drown them out with other issues. But in the end, when I'm faced with myself, I try to identify my feelings, decipher my thoughts and rethink my belief system.

Today I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I still have a lot of problems and hurdles to jump but with God's help I'll make it.

Gotta Go My Own Way

From the High School Musical

Gabriella
I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
doesn't seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be ok..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way
Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another color turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me
you'll be ok..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Troy
What about us?
What about everything we've been through?

Gabriella
What about trust?

Troy
You know I never wanted to hurt you

Gabriella
And what about me?

Troy
What am I supposed to do?

Gabriella
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

Troy
I'll miss you

Gabriella
So I've got to move on and be who I am

Troy
Why do you have to go?

Gabriella
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

Troy
I'm trying to understand

Gabriella
We might find our place
in this world someday
but at least for now

Troy
I want you to stay

Gabriella
I wanna go my own way
I've got to move on and be who I am

Troy
What about us?

Gabriella
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

Troy
I'm trying to understand

Gabriella
We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now
I gotta go my own way
I gotta go my own way
I gotta go my own way