It is through our trials
rather than our triumphs
that we are made strong.

These are the words from my perpetual calendar today. Now, a part of me wants to know why I need to be so strong. What purpose does it serve? Is there some kind of crisis coming down the pike that I need to know about? Another part of me acknowledges that trials bring me closer to my Higher Power and to myself ultimately. It's just that I'd like to have a stretch of time where things went well for a change.

Before I came into Al-Anon I had to be in control all the time. I rarely ever let down my guard and when I did I always regretted it. I was an in-your-face person, always angry. I tried to control everyone and everything to make my life run smoother. I learned from going to meetings and being around program people that I have no control. So I gradually let go.

First, I let go of my alcoholic/addict and let him suffer his own consequences. My load felt lighter. Then, I let go of my family- my mother and brother. My load was lighter except for the guilt that others tried to heap on me. Next, came my classroom where things were out of control no matter what I did. I felt like a failure. Last came Al-Anon which was all I had left. I felt abandoned and lonely. But my Higher Power reminded me that he was near and I had a few acquaintances and friends left even if they were miles away from me.

Today I battle with depression, resentment and anger. I don't understand why it means so much to Jennifer to stand taller than the teacher in a CDC room. It's not brain surgery. In some ways it's glorified babysitting, for Pete's sake. I don't understand why Kim has to critique every little thing. What does it gain? Why not let me do my job in my own way? Why not let me be happy being me and doing what I love?

Some days I do well to even get to work. I ache all over and I'm low on funds. But I still keep trucking. Why do I have to have a tense atmosphere to boot?

I tried all night to give God these horrible feelings and then some thought would come to me and I was gritting my teeth again, wrestling the bed. Today I pray for peace in the valley. If I've got to go through a valley I wish for peace.

I did call Dr. Grave's nurse yesterday after school to tell her how I was doing with my medication. Hopefully when I go in on the 15th to see my therapist I'll have a new prescription waiting for me.

I have comp time built up believe it or not- 8 hours worth. Didn't know it until last week. If I don't use them I lose them. Last Friday I took an hour. Today I took almost 3 hours. I don't imagine I'll have the rest used before next Thursday but I will sure try my best.

I'm home now and loving it. Today I decided to just work on paperwork at school. I had a pile of it that I had been putting off. I worked on it for over 3 hours. I watched and listened to my assistants.

Jennifer steps up because no one else will. At first she had Daniel telling her every 5 minutes that he loved her which should have clued her in. He was up to something. She fell for it and by 12:00 she was wrestling with him in the corner.

Stephanie doesn't do much of anything except stand around. I think she's at a loss of what to do. If it's not pencil and paper work she is clueless. Well, what does she do to entertain and teach her own children? Read to them, do puzzles, play dress up with the dolls, etc. All of those things may seem simple but that is what is used to teach the very low functioning kids. Paper work is wasted on them. I did finally point out the laminating that I needed done. She looked relieved to do something, anything. At one point it was just she and I in the room. I was working on paperwork. She got a run for her money out of Daniel, who became all lovey dovey when Jennifer came back into the room. He's got it all figured out. He runs over Stephanie and butters up Jennifer.

Kim spent most of the morning running around like a chicken with her head cut off, worrying about the baby showers for next week. She has absolutely no control over the kids and doesn't even try. She was not my pick for the classroom. And I want her gone. It's easy to criticize others when you're a spectator rather than a participant.

So, my stance is a hands off policy. I will focus only on what I am doing in the classroom- paperwork, working one-on-one, etc.- and tune each of them out. It was hard today but I did do it.