Today-
May my ears listen
with respect.
May my eyes see
with equanimity.
May my mouth
speak with kindness.
May my heart
open with love.

This is what my perpetual calendar says today. I should have heeded its words.

I lost my cool with Kim, the newest assistant in my classroom. But I guess I have a chip on my shoulder where Jennifer and Stephanie are concerned as well. It's not just that their isms are showing. Thelma and I talked about it. They are out of their depth and trying to fake it.

This is my ocean. I've been in special education for 19 years. But I grew up in a family where mental illness and mental retardation ruled. This is my sea of tranquility. It is their isms that keep feeding the sharks and stirring up the tides. They need to bend a little.

I am reminded of the three C's. I did not cause their isms. I can't control their behavior or their attitudes. I can't cure it either. But I'll be damned if I will sit amid it and keep my mouth shut any longer. We are not here to educate or to make better parents. We are here for the children. That is where our responsibility lies. It is not in trying to out do each other. It is us against the rest of the world. We are fighting battles that have been waged for centuries. But there are times when battles can be won in silent determination rather than posturing.

Sam came into the classroom this morning to ask how he could get a job working in my classroom. He needs something full time and something that is tranquil. I told him to go put his application in. There is a need for men in this field. I think he'd probably make a good assistant. He's very kind and gentle. He spoke to his therapist about it and he feels he needs a less stressful job. I am in therapy myself and not ashamed to talk about it. I just told him the facts. A CDC room can be tranquil if you can get everybody on the same page. Unfortunately for me, I have been in the middle of a tempest all year.

Thelma's take on all this is that I am the Moses of the special education field. She feels that I have been placed here to educate these folks. In the words of Jack from Dawson's Creek, and I paraphrase, "I'm tired of having to be the first."

I struggled to have my composure today in that classroom. These women act like I'm invisible until something hits the fan. They crow about their accomplishments but I notice that they are immitating my behavior with the wheel chair kids. They really have no clue about what they are doing. But the one missing ingredient to all of this is that we have had no consistancy all year long. It does not affect the wheel chair kids so much. It's the others that it has effected. They are retarded not clueless. They know that we are not in synch and they are fully taking it in.

I tried for fourteen years to get a job in this system and now I've got one. I have a license. I will not let some women with isms prevent me from doing my job. God help me. I'm going to pray that I can get Sam a job in there.