My therapist gave me a homework assignment because I asked for one. She is concerned that I'm stuffing my feelings again. She particularly thinks the two greatest feelings that I am dealing with are fear and anger/resentment. So, she gave me an inventory to do on anger.

I haven't started writing anything yet but the questions already have me thinking. I've thought for some time that I needed to work on my anger issues. I need to be able to talk to someone about them, to scream, until all the anger is gone. Then in the back of my mind that old tape plays- "Nice people don't do such things." So, I think, maybe I'm not so nice. What kind of a woman would have such a huge resent against her autistic older brother and mentally ill mother? What kind of a woman still wonders why her father died, leaving her at thirteen to become the adult of the house? I could go on and on about the issues that I have with my family or origin.

So, I'm battling with what are legitimate feelings and what "nice people do". I'm also battling with what other people think of me. My sponsor asks, "Why does it matter what other people think?" I'm not sure how to answer that except to say that it matters to me. I get tired of being branded the bad guy when I set boundaries. I get tired of being told that I've abandoned my family when I refuse to do things for them that they can do for themselves. I get tired of being called lazy when I don't physically exhaust myself, pushing myself to the limit, to do things that should have already been done. I ask for help. No help ever comes. What lesson do you think God is teaching me here? That I have limitations? I have never been so aware of my limitations than I am right now. Physically, I'm falling apart. Perhaps the lesson is not meant for me but for others. I don't know.

At any rate I have an inventory to do on anger. Then I read in my Advent meditation book:

Fear Freguently Leads Us to Stike First

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord... Psalm 130:5-6

We consider waiting a waste of time, perhaps because our culture is always saying, "Get going! Do something! Show you are able to make a difference! Don't just sit there and wait!" Waiting seems a dry desert between where we are and where we want to be. We do not enjoy the place. We want to move out of it and do something worthwhile.
Waiting is even more difficult because we are so fearful- not just as individuals but as whole communities and nations. Fear explains why it is so hard to wait and how tempting it is to act. That is the root of a "first strike" approach to others. Those who live in a world of fear are more likely to make aggressive, hostile, destructive responses than people who are not so frightened. The more afraid we are, the harder waiting becomes.

O God, before we act hastily and risk doing more harm than good, give us the patience to wait prayerfully for your wisdom and guidance.

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Patience is something that I'm learning daily. I'm getting better at waiting on God to show me the path I'm supposed to be on. The fact that I am not acting in my anger and resentment but have calmly addressed my brother about boundaries, shows that I am not acting in fear any more. That's got to be something in my favor. However, I'm stuffing my anger again and that is leading to mega depression. So, inventory here I come!