In the last few days something amazing has happened. I have begun to feel like there is hope.

One of the newest assistants in my classroom, one that I worked with this summer, helped us create a masterpiece for the door contest at school. I drew the fairies, the nutcrackers and Santa's bag of gifts but she painted them and pulled it all together. Whether we win the contest and get our day off from work or not, the five of us in that classroom finally came together as a team. That feels pretty good.

Missie (the assistant mentione above) has a birthday coming up- I was asked to draw her a birthday card. I was actually asked to draw her schnauzer on the card. I can't draw that well. So I stuck to the theme already established in the room. Missie had given our group of misfits the team name "mixed nuts" - that was why I suggested the Nutcracker ballet and story as our theme. At any rate that is what I chose to draw on her card. Hopefully she will accept it as it is given- as a "thank you" for helping see me through a rough time.

The other new assistant, Jane, is a jewel. She has developed some sort of admiration of me that I'm not so sure I deserve. I just shared part my story with her last spring and found another Al-Anon. We also go to therapy and take depression medication. Discovering that somehow made me feel less of an odd ball. This weekend she loaned me the movie "Mixed Nuts." I just got through watching it and laughing myself silly. I'm not sure what others have gotten out of that movie but I saw a lot of faith, love, acceptance and hope. I'm grateful that she brought it to me to borrow. I had loaned her "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" after listening to her talk about it.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds. I'm really not sure it's important for me to know such things although I've always wanted to have some hint to things to come. The unknown is so scarey to me.

I do know that after the 15th my brother will have his life back as I am going to pay half of his cable and phone bill while the payee pays the other half. I don't think of this as enabling him. It's me finally saying, "Enough is enough." He's crossed too many of my boundaries. Using my toothbrush was the last straw. This will be my Christmas present to him. He need not expect anything else.

I don't really have the money to buy really cool presents or even make them as I sometimes to. I'm using my imagination to create meaningful things (I hope).

I've begun my inventory and decided that I'm not such a bad person after all. I'm in a lot of physical pain and I'm a little overwhelmed with responsibilities but all in all I'm an okay human being. I'm the gift God gave to me. At least that's what the meditation from my Advent booklet tells me. : )