Well, I survived a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend with my family. I listened for five days as Mom named off every ailment she had- imaginary and real. It did help that she finally made it to the doctor on Friday to get checked out because he told her at least two of the things she was complaining about didn't exist. I also listened to her whine about not having a television and a telephone. There were times when she was so demanding of my attention that I wanted to scream. At the same time I heard similar things from my brother.

I felt like I was getting everything in stereo. On Saturday I escaped to the library for a few hours and found peace. By Sunday I was in need of some talk time. Didn't get any. There was no Al-Anon meeting. Instead it was an AA speaker meeting. I almost left because I felt very out of place. But I decided to stay because there might be something in the talk that I might need to hear. There was plenty. I am grateful that I stayed.

The Pardox was there. I spoke briefly to him. I don't know what to say to him any more. It's easy to communicate via e-mail but not so easy face-to-face. I know there is no chance of really getting to know him. He doesn't want to know me. He keeps his guard up and because I really don't know what he wants I keep mine up, too. I wish things were different. There are so many things I want to say to him or ask him but he won't let me get close enough to him. I miss Mac.

Snow was predicted for today. Woke up to no snow. I didn't really expect any. Wasn't really wanting any either to tell you the truth. I'd just as soon go to work and get the next three weeks behind me.

Here I am several hours later.

The day went fine. The snow spit at us all day long but no accummulation. A lot of synchronicity today though.

The Nutcracker theme is very much alive and kicking in my classroom this year. Missie gave us a team name- The Mixed Nuts. Then we got caught up in the door decorating contest that our financial sponsor is having and we decided to run with the Nutcracker theme. It also helps us with the one student we have whose religious beliefs prohibit the commercial and religious icons of the season.

While I was at the library on Saturday I read the E. T. A. Hoffman version of The Nutcracker. The powerlessness of the character hit me several times but the theme of acceptance jumped off the pages as well.

Yesterday Dennis gave me copies of the CDs he bought at the lecture I wanted to attend earlier this fall. I am going to enjoy listening to them I think. The lady that sits behind me at Mass gave me an Advent Meditations booklet on the writings of Henri Nouwen. I know this name. I think he is quoted amid my mysticism research somewhere. I'll have to look him up again. I open the booklet to today's reading and that odd feeling of synchronicity hits me again. It says:

God Unmasks the Illusion of Power

Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.
Matthew 11:29

God chose powerlessness. God chose to enter into human history in complete weakness. That divine choice forms the center of the Christian faith. In Jesus of Nazareth, the powerless God appeared among us to unmask the illusion of power, to disarm the prince of darkness who rules the world, and to bring the divided human race to a new unity.

Through total and unmitigated powerlessness, God shows us divine mercy. The radical, divine choice to reveal glory, beauty, truth, peace, joy, and most of all, love in and through the complete divestment of power. It is very hard- if not impossible- for us to grasp this divine mystery.

Jesus, in all we do and say this Advent, may we follow your example of gentleness and humility.

Yep, I can see the whole story of the nutcracker unfolding in that reading, too. And then this afternoon I go to the post office to buy stamps. You guessed it- I got Nutcracker stamps.

The nutcracker speaks volumes to me because I have been hearing those old self-hate tapes in my head recently. I hear, "You're stupid. You're fat. You're ugly. You stink!" I find it hard to like myself at these times. It's hard to battle those tapes when they start particularly when I'm around my biological family. Their needs are so great and I can't meet them. I feel twisted and tied into a knot. So, naturally it is difficult for me to unwind enough to talk to people or feel like I fit in. Thank God I've got therapy tomorrow.

That reminds me of the conversation that I had with Sam this morning. It's nice to know I'm not the only one in therapy. I don't feel so stupid or insane.