I don't know if it's a sign of things to come but I can't train my cats to use the new litter box. I know. I know. That's funny. It's not if you're having to clean it out of the carpet.

It was a rough day today. I thought my assistants had already gone in to get their evaluations from the principal but they went today. Jennifer was pissed off. She didn't like hearing the truth- she's too controlling. I almost feel like she's competing with me. Why? It's not brain surgery. Life doesn't depend on it. It's a special education classroom. Things do not have to be perfect. I'm not sure what Kim was feeling but she did begin to distance herself from Jennifer.

I'll tell you there are times when they are talking that it feels like the rest of us are invisible. I can't identify with their way of life. Each of them has family to call when things go wrong. I have no one. Each of them is married to fairly good guys. They've been with them since they were teenagers. They both have kids about the same age. Gag! Hurray for them but what about the rest of us?

And then I listen to them talk about things. I can not identify with their point of view. Like their take on Sam is totally off the mark. I have no interest in him other than friendship. He's off beat I will agree but that's his business. He's happy the way he is - we just have to accept him and go on. I've listened as they've talked about racial couples and how they shouldn't be together. I've listened to their conversation about homosexuals. I've listened to things that I thought I'd never hear come out of the mouth of someone younger than me. I don't say anything but I keep thinking- how is that any of your business?

They spend a lot of time calling their spouses to tell them how much they love them. My God! Are they that insecure? I don't love anyone enough to call them that many times during the day. When I did that with Joey it was because I didn't trust him. Hm... Things may not be so wonderful in Wonderland.

Sometimes I miss Vicki, Lisa and Mary Jo so much that it hurts. Why couldn't I have stayed at HPES?

No one showed for the Al-Anon meeting tonight. I wound up calling Marian to have a phone meeting. I was kidding her about becoming a nun. I don't have what it takes to live a cloistered life. But it's tempting. After the kind of interaction I have with people at work, in the community at large, Al-Anon, etc., I almost wish I could join a convent. It get tiresome trying to see God in everyone I meet when I feel that they spend a lot of time like I used to trying to crowd Him out.

My mother asked me today if I ever thought of remarrying. I don't know. It's doubtful. Unless I could find someone I was compatible with and who challenged me mentally, emotionally and physically, I wouldn't risk it again. I just don't want mediocre any more. I definitely don't want to go into what I had. I don't want to be someone's caretaker. I don't want to worry about where he is, who he's with and what he's doing. I want a relationship built on trust and respect. I'm not looking for my other half. I'm looking for my reflection. I'm trying to become healthier and I want someone who is growing that direction with me. I guess I want the moon and the stars. It's probably an impossible dream but stranger things have been known to happen.

I'm beginning to feel restricted and stifled again. Something's off balance. Not sure what it is but I'm going to pray it straightens itself out.