The Heart of the Matter

As sung by Don Henley

I got the call today
That I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
and beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess...
Ohh pride and competition
cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
you know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down
to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me...
Forgiveness (yeah)
Forgiveness (baby)
Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness (ahh yeaaahhh)
Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness
Even if, you don't love me anymore...


I'm not sure where one stanza ends and another one begins with this song. I cut and pasted it as is from the website I googled. Huh? That's a lot like codependence isn't it? Kind of synchronistic.

The Hazelden reading this morning was about forgiveness. Then I respond to my sponsor's e-mail about the Al-Anon district meeting and I also forward it to the immovable object- Jane. Jane responds by sending me the Hazelden reading. My response was that I have forgiven the recovery group around the Betterway House but I just don't want to hang out with them. I still hurt from the things that happened. I had begun feeling like I did when I came into the program because of Joey. That's pretty much what I told her. My whole attitude toward Jane is "piss on you" which is not a very Christian attitude to have but very appropriate in regards to her I think. I'm tired of my feelings being ignored or being told that I'm wrong to feel one way or another. They're my feelings and while they might not be based on facts they are still mine.

More synchronicity occurred in that I received a letter from Joey wishing me a happy birthday. Kind of odd really because he never remembered my birthday when we were married. Then the other shoe drops. He's going up for parole in July. He's not parolling out here and he's probably going to make his father mad by what he wants to do but I think he's making a wise decision. He's wanting to parole out to a halfway house. I think that's what he should have done 4 years ago rather than coming here. He claims he's been clean for 3 years now. Not sure I believe him but it doesn't matter. I have not wish to get back involved with him. I no longer play the martyr. I no longer get off on being used and abuse for the sake of a little scrap of affection. Thank God!

The odd thing is that I have more forgiveness and respect for him than these others. Maybe it's because the other is fresher. Or maybe it's because he respected my wish to be left alone. Whatever the reason, I really do forgive him. Now, forgetting is another matter. I no longer replay the situations in my head but once in a while I remember something and I have to call someone to talk. It's usually Linda. At any rate, I'm grateful that he and I are not enemies.

Today we began T-Cap testing at school. I'm reading the whole thing to Lakale and his assistant is the scribe for him. It's a wasted effort. He's totally clueless about what is going on. It made me more determined than ever to recommend that he be put in a portfolio next year rather than be subjected to this madness. His meeting's tomorrow and it will be a very long, drawn out ordeal. We are going to change a few things and his mother will balk. I'm going in prayer over this.

One of my little boys has pneumonia. Cory went home sick today and when his mother took him to see Dr. Haney it wasn't good news. Cory is in the hospital. I figure that Kristopher will be absent tomorrow when his mother learns that we've had this hit the classroom. I don't blame her. His immune system is so fragile.

I am working very hard on my Muse, A Muse, Amuse project. I think I'm going to piece together some of my correspondence that I've saved over this last year to put with it.