Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Prayer is neither black magic nor is it a form of demand note. Prayer is a relationship.
--John Heuss

A conversation requires two parts: talking and listening. When only we are talking, that is a monologue. When someone lectures, we listen. Prayer can be a form of conversation, yet if we examine the way we pray we may find it's a monologue.

We pray to ask for answers or guidance, to express our gratitude, and to bless those we care for. It's wonderful to open up a channel to our Higher Power by beginning the conversation, but unless we allow time to listen we will never really develop a dialogue.

We can begin to change our way of praying. We can limit our requests so we are not listing a series of wishes or demands. We can ask for patience to listen and then allow a few moments to listen. The answers will come to us and our guidance will be given when we are truly ready to receive them. An equal balance of talking and listening will help strengthen our relationship with our Higher Power.

I will pray and then listen, to allow my Higher Power some time to communicate with me.
From: Night Light by Amy E. Dean



For some reason a line from Fried Green Tomatoes pops into my mind. Ruth is telling Iggy about how bad things were in her marriage and how she prayed for her mother to die in peace. I don't remember the exact words. It's more how the actress said it that caught my ear.


I feel like I have an active prayer life. I try very hard to be still enough to hear God's small voice. Sometimes my thoughts are racing and so frantic that I can't catch His voice. Last night was one of those times. I arrived to mass early and sat in the quiet of the sanctuary. I prayed for relief from the anxiety that I was feeling and I asked for forgiveness. It's not that I felt I'd done anything wrong. I felt that I had filled out those evaluations as truthful and honest as I could. I didn't want to cut anyone down. When I attempted to talk to all of them at the last parent/teacher conference date they tuned me out. Nothing really changed except for maybe the relationship between Stephanie and I.

I just wish I had one acquaintance or friend in that school that I could talk to without fear of what I say leaving them. I feel isolated a lot of the time. The truth is that I do have some acquaintances. The subs and the specialists seem to seek me out. There are times that Kim and Jennifer feel left out. They talk over me or interupt with something else. I don't understand it.

The thing is that there is a pecking order in a classroom. The assistant is the grunt worker. I hate to put it that way. They have a thankless job with less pay than they deserve. I've tried to be accommodating and easy going. I've basically let them do whatever they wanted. But when I began to feel put down with the remarks I just couldn't take it any more. I lashed out. A few times it was verbal. I just can't take confrontation. I would like to have a peaceful existence on my job. When does the competition and fighting stop?

I just watched the movie Juno. Cool movie. I totally got the story line. Made me feel Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets when he tells Helen Hunt how special he feels when he's with her. It feels good when I "get" something that eludes others. It used to feel kind of strange, like there was something wrong with me. How was it that I understood something that others did not? I cried as the movie ended.

I got to thinking about what's going on in my classroom. I feel really bad about it. I didn't want to have this happen. I wanted those ladies to come back thinking that they could do something a little different maybe. Instead I'm talked about pretty badly and shunned. It's okay. I've been given the cold shoulder on lots of other occasions. I'm used to being the odd man out. Since when did I ever fit in? It just makes me a little sad. I know I'm where I belong. I also know that these women have much to learn about life that I've already seen. I can't teach it to them. I can't fix their problems. They have to learn on their own just as I did. I just wish it could have been a little easier.