I'm grateful that I had an Al-Anon meeting to go to yesterday morning. I needed one very badly. All this talk of Lois had gotten me down.

Elaine S. chaired and the topic was anger. Wow! What a powerful subject! And I found that I was angry about Lois' death. I was angry at her for putting herself in the positions that she chose. I was angry (as I quite frequently am) at the alcoholic/addict that murdered her- they found it was an AA member of the Columbia group. I was angry at those who were eulogizing her as if she were a saint. Lois was not a saint! She was a human given to human frailities just like the rest of us. She made bad choices. She pursued pipe dreams. We have all done the same things. She was human, not divine.

Bless her heart, Elaine was in the same boat I was. She knew that Lois had put herself in that awkward position by trying to be helpful to this person or for other reasons. She was constantly going into places she shouldn't or befriending people who did not have her best interest at heart. She pursued life to its fullest, even when it was a bit risky. Lois was a risk taker while the rest of us opted to stay within our safety zone.

She did not deserve to die like that and for that I am angry at the alcoholic/addict. No one deserves to be murdered. For me it is just another reason to dislike alcoholic/ addicts. I just want to shake them and ask them, "What makes you so special!?" I get tired of being told that I need to be compassionate and understanding of them and their feelings. I've had enough of the behaviors. I think that is why I had to leave the Betterway House. I could not take the behaviors any longer especially when responsibility was being thrown out the door. Being the super responsible person that I am, I tried to fix everything, including Lois. It was like beating my head against the wall. All I got was a headache.

This morning I awoke with two very different songs in my head. I'm hoping it is God's way of telling me to let all this anger go.

What I Did for Love

From A Chorus Line

[Diana]
Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.
Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love

[All]
What I did for
Love
[Diana]
What I did for...
[All (adding more voices each phrase)]
Love
Love is never gone
As we travel one
Love's what we'll remember
Kiss today goodbye.

[Diana]
And point me t'ward tomorrow.

[All]
Point me t'ward tomorrow
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love.
What I did for love.

[Diana]
What I did for love

[All]
Love




Choices

As sung by George Jones

(Chorus)
I've had choices
Since the day that I was born
There were voices
That told me right from wrong
If I had listened
No I wouldn't be here today
Living and dying
With the choices I made

I was tempted
By an early age I found
I liked drinkin'
Oh, and I never turned it down
There were loved ones
But I turned them all away
Now I'm living and dying
With the choices I made

(Repeat Chorus)

I guess I'm payin'
For the things that I have done
If I could go back
Oh, Lord knows I'd run
But I'm still losin'
This game of life I play
Living and dying
With the choices I made

(Repeat Chorus)

Living and dying
With the choices I made