I've begun to put together a scrap book of my twenty years of teaching. Has it really been twenty years? Where did time go? I have actually found pictures of when I did one of my student teachings back in 1987. So, I've actually got 22 years of teaching mapped out here. Gosh, the memories and emotions that have come back to me are unreal. Was I really that person with the Sally Jessie Raphael red, big frame glasses? Did I really coach basketball? I've not only changed a lot physically but I've evolved as a human being.

In November I will be telling my story for the third time in a speaker meeting. I've been remembering all the Joey stuff as Elyce calls daily for some ESH. I'm also remembering some of the childhood stuff as Mom talks about Dad and Linda talks about her own father. But today the stuff that came to me were about who I am or was apart from being the child of an alcoholic and the wife of one. I looked at who I was when I was at work and sometimes lived away from my family. Wow, I can't begin to tell you how much of a revolation that was! I also found a deck of cards that I had in my classroom at KDS. The box had been taped and retaped with a written plea for the students not to tear up the box further. It never dawned on me to put the cards in another container. I could only think about keeping them in the original box.

I looked at the pictures from KDS and I saw two of my students that wound up in prison with Joey- James and Junior. That in itself was another huge thing to deal with. Even though their incarceration has nothing to do with me, it makes me think of the teacher I used to be. I used to be unwilling to let go of people. I felt impelled to write to or phone former students just to let them know I cared. I see now that I was trying to fill the God shaped hole I had inside of me with surrounding myself with people who needed me.

Monday night Becky and I began our Tradition Study with Mary Pearl's workshop material. I remember one of the questions being "Are you a giver or a taker?" I have and can be both. I think I'm more of a giver. I give until I have nothing left to give. But I've also been a very needy person. I've always wanted someone to worry over me the way they worried over my brother. Truthfully, if people did that for me now, I think it would send me running in the opposite direction because I'd feel smothered or as if they felt I was totally incompetent.

Man, what a difference time makes in how you feel about yourself. Today I don't want to be needed. I had that with Joey and I felt used. I know what I'm looking for today in my relationships. My definition of frienship has changed dramatically over the past few years. Linda's helped me with that. She says that if I'm the one who is always reaching out first, the relationship is only in my mind. Friendship is give and take. Each person should feel comfortable beginning the conversation- it shouldn't fall to that one person all the time. And you know something? She's right. So, I don't e-mail or phone as much because I want to give the other person the opportunity to reach out to me. It's that old, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

When I go into see my therapist, she always asks me, "How's your love life?" I have none. But I know what I want in that, too. I don't feel it is so necessary for me to be in a relationship. If I am, I am and if I'm not, I'm not. Either way, I'm okay. Before I felt that I needed to be in a relationship because I felt incomplete. These days I know that I was merely looking for my Higher Power. Now that I have that relationship, I don't feel like something is missing.

Does any of this make sense?