It's been a while since I've blogged. Is "blogged" a word?

I've been preoccupied with my online courses. After I've been staring at the screen, reading the articles that have been assigned or typing in my responses, my eyes need a break.

But the real reason is that I've been working on myself- keeping my own counsel. Some might say I was isolating. They might we right. I don't know. I just felt like so much was expected of me. No matter how much I shared my feelings with family, friends, recovery buddies or my therapist, it was like everyone just passed right over them like they were unfounded.

My Al-Anon literature reminds me that "It is important to be reminded that feelings aren’t facts. No matter how intense the feelings may be, they are only feelings. They are reactions to, rather than reflections of reality." That's from:
How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, p. 90 Still the feelings I felt seemed real. I felt like a failure because I'd lost my teaching job. It wasn't enough to feel angry or to even justify my anger by stating several truths- my tenure was not transferred to to an oversight (I could have kept my job), the assistants in the classroom took over with encouragement from the principal (neither knew a thing about special education), etc.

All I heard or saw in my head was that I had had a nervous breakdown four years ago when that screaming meanie hit my classroom and that I had never recovered. My therapist told me that there was no such thing as a nervous breakdown. She also passed over the information I gave her when I decided to share my Al-Anon story with her. All she heard was the rejection that I had experienced over and over. We attempted to do a new kind of therapy - I think it was called EMDR- where I would share a feeling or memory and she would take me to a place of relaxation in my head to eliminate it. Then she decided that we should try something else. There were also times when she took phone calls during my session because she felt comfortable enough with me that she felt I wouldn't mind. Needless to say I don't go any more.

The doctor from Centerstone did listen to me when I spoke of needing a medicine change. I've gone from Celexa to Welbutrin. I feel more myself. Although I was having trouble sleeping and found myself blowing up at stupid stuff. Sometimes I forget to take my medication- it's for twice a day. Freudian slip? I don't think so. I think I've moved beyond needing it. Maybe I'm delusional.

Friends? Not sure I have true friends. I have well meaning friends. They try to solve my problems, take me on as their charity or want to take care of me. I can care of myself!!! I only want someone to listen.

I fare better when talking to recovery buddies who've been in the program a while. My group has too many newcomers. I feel overwhelmed and that old "Controzilla" rears her ugly head. Thank you, Paradox, for the nickname. I try to get to meetings with my sponsor's group. More program people there. It helps. Can't get there often.

Family members rely to heavily on me or have unrealistic expectations. Forget sharing with them. We've had a few health scares. Mom had to have her heart shocked back into rhythm and Barry actually had a seizure (his first) due to his having depleted his sodium level. My feelings of self-pity and depression actually took a backseat because I was needed. That wasn't such a bad thing. But it is what got me into the codependent situation to begin with. I've had to work on balance.

I've gravitated more toward the God of my understanding. I think that's a good thing. When I'm in the zone I feel so much better. I remember that I'm loved and that the only expectation He has of me is to reflect His love to Him and others. That gives me the ability to love myself. I don't hear the self-hate tapes playing and I can get through the day. But I have my slips. That's when it's important to really concentrate on that still quiet voice. Songs come to me or bits of poetry. The latest song I hear is "You Raise Me Up" although in my mind I heard "Lift Me Up". So, I had to go searching from the lyrics. Thank you, Google!

I have good news to share. I'm over half way through my graduate courses. My grades are actually pretty good. Better than I expected. I have a job opportunity. I go to Nashville to finalize the paperwork. So, I'll be moving soon. To me this means a fresh start, a clean slate. I think maybe I can do this. I've just got to work on silencing those self-hate tapes. Like I said I have slips.


You Raise Me Up Lyrics
As sung by Josh Groban

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.