It's hard to step out on faith. Yesteday was an amazing day, a lot of God messages. I listened. I'm not sure I understood or agreed with all of them, but I listened.

First I opened the book that one of my Al-Anon buddies loaned to me and in there were all the things I needed to hear. It was about the secret- getting back what we send out. It was about synchronicity- that things do not happen by chance, that we are to pay attention to the message that God is trying to send our way. It was about self-esteem, believing in yourself. It was about doubt and confusion. It was really all I needed to hear. And I felt better until I went to Columbia.

I went to Columbia to withdraw all the money I have left in the world from the bank. A portion of it had to go into my bank account down here to cover my insurance. And a portion is going to have to stretch for a while. At that moment I looked at all the bills that will be due in two weeks and wondered, not for the first time, where in the world I am going to find that money.

I took my mother to the store and argued with her about how she never listens to me. I still haven't completed the forms I started in April to get her the hearing impaired telephone. It dawned on me then that even though she has hearing loss the problem goes much deeper than that. Even when she could hear well, like many of us, she did not listen. It reminded me of the song "In the Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics.

Then it came time for me to go meet my insane friend Diane at the library. Well, as usual she didn't show up on time. After an hour I left with all the books I'd checked out on intention and synchronicity. I read too much. I'd gotten in my depressed mode again, truthfully, maybe I hadn't ever come out of it. I was going to lie down and take a nap. I was pretty depressed when along comes crazy Diane banging on my windows. She'd never been to my home before. She came with a reference sheet for me to complete for her. But stayed nearly an hour. I found myself telling her what I most needed to hear. They tell me it works that way in recovery. When she left I felt better.

Mom called before Diane left. I'd wondered earlier what I was going to do about supper. Up pops my mother offering to buy it. Truthfully she was buying for her and Barry I was just the ride there. She doesn't have a car. Oh, well. It was a free meal.

I decided I didn't want to stay home and began thinking of some cheap form of entertainment for me. I could have gone to the Betterway House. I'd have been welcome but I still have some issues there. I remembered the phone number for the local theatre at the college and called it. But I didn't want to go alone. So, I called the one at-loose-ends Al-Anon that I could think of and was going to ask her to go to the movies with me. That's when she reminded me of the Heritage Festival in Lawrenceburg. Gospel singing was on tap. It was free! Hey, cheap is good but free is better.

Of course there were God messages there. There were a few awkward acts but the last three were really good. The only problem there has to do with expectations. Because the square, where the festival was held, is only two blocks away from the Harbor House where the AA and Al-Anon members in Lawrenceburg meet, I had half expected to see some of them come to the festival. Well, two of them did. It was the mother and son that remind me so much of Mom and Barry. Still I found myself kind of depressed because I really had wanted to see certain AA or Al-Anon members. The depression came over me again about my situation and by the time I got home I felt that I was lying prostrate in my bed at God's feet.

You know, I know everything is going to be alright. I keep telling myself that. I just can't see where it is going to come from. To me it looks like an impossible situation. I have to remind myself that with God all things are possible.

Right now I have laundry going in the little room down the hall. I'll be going back to Lawrenceburg today with that same loose ended Al-Anon to see an actual Indian pow wow. We'll see what happens.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I'd made a new friend on-line in my Al-Anon group. Oddly enough he sent me a picture of himself on Thursday. Yesterday he revealed that he was gay. You know, I think I already knew that. It seems to be what I attract. My friend, Linda, tells people that she attracts gay men and thugs. I think I do, too.

All kinding aside. People are people. We aren't put here to judge each other but to love one another and to learn from each other. I personally could care less what a person is or isn't.

I have friends that are gay. So what? Do I understand their preference? No. Do I accept it? Yes. It does not affect me therefore it is none of my business.

I've got friends that qualify as thugs, too. A few of them have turned their lives around. It's possible that they really aren't thugs at all but merely embody what society perceives as a thug. In my experience people put on a rough exterior to protect how scared and insecure they are on the inside. Of course, very few people will chance getting to know them because they can't get past the rough exterior. My friend Diane is like that. She asked me yesterday why I was so nice to her after all the mean things she said to me. I had to think about it. I guess it was because I chose not to take offense. Her attitude was her problem. Yes, it hurt my feelings but I had other problems on my plate. Her attitude could either add to it or not affect them at all. I had options.

Well, I've been in the Wayne Dyer stuff this morning. The Power of Intentions- intention is just another way of saying God. Wayne Dyer is a very optimistic person and so is Depak Chopra. It's not any wonder that the two men know each other.

Found this in Dyer's book. I think I'm going to print it out and put it on my wall.

Good morning,
This is God.
I will be handling
All of your problems today.
I will not need
Your help, so have
A miraculous day.

That pretty much says it all.

I just completed my A to Z gratitude list to put me in a positive frame of mind.

A- AA, Al-Anon, Apartment (be it ever so humble there's no place like home) and Anthony from the Harbor House
B- Barbara at the library, books, Betty from the Harbor House
C- Cats, computer
D- Diane, Depak Chopra
E- Emily at the library, Elyce
F- Faith, fan, free events
G- God, grace, guidance
H- Hope
I- Internet, inspiration
J- Joey, John Abernathy Smith (even if he is annoying, he thinks I'm brilliant), Joel Osteen
K- Kittens, Kenny, Kathy for loaning me her book
L- Linda, Lois
M- Marian, Mac (even though he isn't speaking to me), Mike (even though he isn't speaking to me either), Mom, music
N- Nature
O- On-line Al-Anon groups
P- Possibilities
Q- Quiet meditation
R- Rain (we need some)
S- Serenity
T- Talking out our problems
U- Unconditional love
V- Visits
W- Wayne Dyer
X- Xena
Y- Yolanda
Z- Zest for life