I don't know what today will hold but I'm hoping for a miracle. I know that my faith is weak. I'm working on that. It's hard to let go of something and totally trust the unknown. Change is very scary. That's what today's reading from Hazelden was about.

The scariest thing is that while I know the urgency of my situation I am calm within myself and my brain can not compute the reason for this.

It's not my nature to whine. I hate to hear others do it and I hate to sound that desperate. I'm trying to keep an optimistic mood here. I'm making it minute to minute.

I've had an interview with a convience store for 3rd shift. That would be good because it would not interfere with upcoming doctor appointments which are now a necessity and Al-Anon meetings. It sounds hopeful but I'm afraid to bank on it.

I also went by the temp agency that I am most familiar with and put in an application. There was a young man there at the same time. I went through a service manual introduction and he did not. I'm not sure what made the difference. Maybe because I'd worked through them before five years ago. Has it really been 5 years? Wow! There's a possibility I might get to go back to work at Cosmolab. I was told to call them if I had not heard anything by Friday.

I'm really hoping for Impact. That would put me back in the path of working with special needs clients, which is where my heart is. I might be able to find some resources for my mother and brother while I was at it. I've talked to Mom and Barry's state caseworker today. It sounds like they are pushing forward to find some options for both of them. I pray they can help. I know I can't any more. I'm doing well to help myself these days.

Some days are diamonds. I feel pretty good and I'm optimistic. And then some days I ride the roller coaster of emotions. I think by tonight I will be in need of a meeting. I've put out feelers with two recovery buddies to see if I can get a lift to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. Hopefully one of them will give me a lift to Lawrenceburg where I can have contact with either my current sponsor or my former sponsor.

I'm down to my last $20. I know I have to have at least $5 for the Centerstone visit on Monday. I'm really praying for a miracle here.

I pray and meditate. Maybe I'm not doing it right. I don't know. I'm beginning to think I'm crazy or something. My answer is always wait. Today it was:

The message I get from Him today is powerful. He will provide my answers and supply my needs when I most need them. He also says that as much as I may need a job and money to pay bills I have other needs that need to be met first. His message is this: As much as we need sobriety and serenity we need each other more. Our need for love (brotherly love) is what binds us together. We need to thank Him for what He has given us thus far because the best is yet to come.

My faith wanes from minute to minute because I am human. I am not divine. My small brain could never comprehend the wisdom of God. My small, limited heart can not possibly hold all the love He has to give.

Trusting myself is hard enough, to trust an invisible being is even more difficult. That's what faith is all about.

Our Al-Anon books make reference to needing a "God with skin". That's each other and we do need each other. Why did God create Eve for Adam? It was so that he wouldn't be alone. No matter what our religious belief may be we have to acknowledge a Supreme Being. He's here for all of us, that includes impossible, cantankerous old me.

I have to have faith that things will work out. It's hard. I'm struggling. Sometimes I feel so alone. I don't know if it's hormones or if it's me surrendering my self-will. I don't know what makes me waver. I wish I had the conviction of Job.

I guess I need to tell myself the same thing I tell others when they call- How dare I be human, don't do that any more! Meaning forgive myself for my wavering faith and try harder.