I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night with a recovery buddy. The Immovable Object was there and so was another person who causes me a great deal of paranoia. I always feel so inadequate around these people. I know, I know. I need to remember what my sponsor says. What people say and do is not because of me. What others say and do is them. That's hard to remember sometimes. These people seem so judgemental. I thought a 12 step program was supposed to take care of that.

It was actually a pretty good meeting. I didn't leave the meeting in tears this time. The scene was actually set by my AA friends. Two of them spoke to me at length about where I'd been and why I had been so isolated. I think I shocked them when I spoke of my suicidal thoughts and going back into therapy. One even went so far as to say that although she didn't feel she knew me very well, she knew enough about me to know that that didn't sound like me. It's not me. This is a foreign feeling for me. But as I explained to her that I really believe it comes from being so overwhelmed with all that has come my way these last few months. I can't be all things to all people. The life was just sucked out of me.

I wanted very badly to ask them about our mutual friend. Things don't seem to be going well for him. I base that on what little I hear from his mother. She doesn't say a lot but what she says is enough to know that he's not doing well. I don't think it's relapse to care about a fellow human being. I know I can't help him. I'm doing well to help me right now. But somehow I'd feel better if I'd hear from him or at least see that he is physically still in the land of the living.

Mac's back to not speaking to me again. I don't know what's going on there. I miss my friends. I've lost 4 of them. First it was Mike and now Mac. Elaine hasn't spoken to me since Ann repeated something I said and took it out of context. In return I want nothing to do with Ann. I really don't want to go through life worried about whether what I say will be taken out of context and used against me or that I constantly offend people. I've heard bits and pieces of what is going on with each of them. I can't help any of them. But I'm reminded time and again that we all need each other on this spiritual journey. I just get tired of being the one to extend the olive branch. Why must I always be the one to apologize? That's what I did in order to appease my alcoholic.

I'm in the middle of a financial crisis and I have to deal with my mother's worry over her situation. All of hers and my brother's bills are now being taken care of by a payee- South Central Resource Agency out of Fayetteville. She will be just fine. She and Barry will be taken care of. She's afraid because it is no longer under her control. I keep telling her that she's going to be fine. She just needs to let go. Am I talking to myself? Maybe. I just wish someone was taking care of me they way she's being taken care of. It gets old being the responsible one. I get tired of trying so hard to stay ahead.


Today a recovery buddy and I are going to one of the local factories to submit an application. Things are getting down to the wire. I know God will take care of me in His time but my time indicates that time is running out. Today I ask for guidance and for knowledge of His will. Self-will is really kicking my butt.

My perpetual calendar says a mouth full today:

A dream will inspire you
when problems arise...
it will help you conquer and cope,
it will sing in your heart,
it will shine in your eyes,
it will color your world
with hope.

I'm not sure what my dream is. But I'm hopeful this morning even if I am a little tired.

Song of the day:

Hand in My Pocket

As sung by Alanis Morissette

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded,
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry, baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused,
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing,
I'm brave but I'm chicken ...
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...


Yipee! I have an interview with Impact Centers Friday morning at 11:00. I also have a line on a job within walking distance of home. I have a total of three schools in the area looking for special education teachers- two within walking area here. How's that for cutting down on gas? I'm hoping God will show me which one is the right one for me rather than leaving it to my feeble brain to decide.

I looked at my situation earlier today and I saw a parallel between where I am now and where I was in 2002. That was when I went through this same procedure to get a summer job and keep one to pay the bills. I worked three of them that summer. I had a month at Cosmolab, 2 weeks at Sanford and 2 weeks at Berkley's Deli. I cashed in everything I had and so did Mom so that I could keep my truck. It was the summer I learned about most of Joey's secrets. I was put on Celexa for my nerves. I took myself off and then his half-brother came to stay. I learned more secrets. I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I have reverted back to where I was 5 years ago.

My instincts tell me that that section of my 4th step that I couldn't do a while back needs to be done now. I just wish I had a sponsor to help me with it. My sponsor is wonderful. I love her but she doesn't handle emotional outburst very well and unpleasant situations freak her out. I understand now why her son has such a problem with her. It's one thing to be put on a pedestal and told that you're brilliant, it's another to get the emotional support you need. But at least he got something from his mother in the way of encouragement. I never got that myself. I've thought about calling my friend Judy and asking for her help but maybe that's the reason I need to go back into therapy. We'll see what happens.

I think God's hand is on my life right now. I'm learning to trust again. Stepping out in faith is hard. But I'm working on it. Shoot, at times I don't even trust myself. How can any one expect me to trust them when I have none for myself? I'm a work in progress.