If I put even half the energy
I spend on avoiding problems
into solving problems
imagine where I could be!

That's what my perpetual calendar says today. The Hazelden reading dealt with avoiding conflict. Do you think God is trying to tell me something?

What have I avoided? The list is long. How about the leak that is causing the floor to buckle in the hall outside the bathroom? Or maybe the argument that I need to have with Elaine and Ann? Or the conversation I need to have with various Al-Anon members about stepping down as GR and district secretary? Or the conversation I need to have with the Gibson brothers about the black truck? Or a doctor's visit about my toe that is causing me excruciating pain? Or that part of my 4th step that I never could address because I am afraid? I could go on and on.

I hate confrontation or conflict. I don't like to argue. It's true there are times when I pick fights because I need to relieve tension and I say things I don't mean. But I'm really quite harmless. I don't generally bother anyone as a rule. I go out of my way to avoid problems. I guess God's telling me that today I have some phone calls and visits to make. I just don't want to make them.

Okay, what have I done thus far today in the way of facing conflicts? Well, I called the landlord about the floor. He wasn't in so I left a message. I called Gibson Brothers about the truck. Neither of them were in so I left a message. I called to make amends to Elaine. She wasn't home. I left a message on her answering machine.

What have I done to day to help my financial situation. Well, I called one elementary school to set up an interview only to be told that I needed to fax a resume. I called the second elementary school and set up an appointment to interview on Monday morning. I went on an interview to the high school. It sounds promising. They can't make heads or tails of my Highly Qualified papers. I went a different route to obtain it from what they are used to. But he's willing to recommend to the superintendent that I be hired in if I have the correct qualifications. I'm to call back on Monday. Everything seems to revolve around Friday and Monday. I've still got to get through the rest of this week and the weekend! I have an interview with Impact Centers in Lewisburg tomorrow for a summer job. I wish I could have gotten in to see her today.

The lady from Impact called today. She wants to offer me a full time position as an instructor in the workshop there. I still have the interview for tomorrow. I feel like things may be looking up.

I went by the bank to see about a loan. No dice- I'm still in bankruptcy. I called the insurance company to see if I could borrow off of it. No dice- I have a defaulted loan I have no idea what they are referring to unless it is the part I cashed in last year. Don't know how they consider that a loan. It was my money. Go figure. I did qualify for a credit card with $1500. If it comes in time I can at least do the most pressing bills. I pray it wasn't a scam and that it comes in time. I can pay my truck payment, the IRS payment and a few other bills until a paycheck comes in. The credit card would keep me afloat as long as I don't over use it.

In the mean time I'm so sick of my own company that I'm reaching out to anyone who will give me the time of day. I'm probably running a few people off doing that because I can't fake happiness any more. Few people want to be around someone who isn't happy. That's how isolation starts. I pray I'm not about to go under again.

God has sent me the most unusual of Al-Anon members to help me get through this time. Lois must really need the service work. She's taking my situation seriously and has been in my company off and on all week.

We had a wonderful meeting tonight. A lot of laughter came out of our room tonight. That hasn't happened in a long time. That old saying- Laughter is the best medicine actually- rings true tonight.

Blessings may actually be coming my way. I just have to keep the faith. But in the mean time don't expect me to go around with a smile plastered on my face. If I'm upset I'm going to start letting it out when it occurs instead of shoving it down inside me. The mask has got to stay off if I'm going to stay alive.