I wonder if we ever grow beyond the need to journal. In Al-Anon meetings I've always said that there was a great need to journal especially if you couldn't find anyone to talk to within the recovery community. I've always equated the shame, guilt, resentment, anger, depression, etc. with poison. If a child swallowed poison you'd go to every length possible to get them to throw it up. Why wouldn't you do the same thing with yourself and the self-hate tapes?

The last few months I have been taking classes online. I took two history courses and a course in enlightenment. I discovered a lot of things these past 16 weeks. First, I discovered that I really don't feel the need to compete with anyone. I only want to best myself- to do a little better each time. Second, I learned that less is more. I said very little on the discussion boards because I didn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone or to disprove anything. I am who I am. Third, I learned to question my own beliefs. I had never really given much thought beyond the obvious that as a human being I am bias in my beliefs - I don't judge people based on outward appearances (race, weight, looks), religion or finacial situations but I have been bias in looking at how the actions of others only affect me. What I discovered what that my actions and the actions of those closest to me affect a wider scope of things. Fourth, I learned the power of words. I've never given much credence to the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Words hurt. But words can also heal. It's a lesson worth learning. Fifth, I learned that the road to enlightenment is often lonely. But in learning to walk alone I discovered who I am. I have a belief that I will meet others like me in my journey and that gives me some hope.

These past few months I've also met distant relatives. I shared information and received information from them in return to build our family tree. Saturday was the reunion. I took my mother with me much to the dismay of my Aunt Nelle. She has not grown beyond being embarrassed by or ashamed of my mother's mental illness. She does not recognize the 180 degree turn that Mom has taken in fighting to get her health back. Aunt Nelle focuses on all the things about Mom that she finds offensive. Today she called me to lay it all out as something I have control of or can fix. Even if I could financially pay for the things my mother needs there is no guarantee that she would use them or even keep them. She has free will. She can choose to use the tools provided or to throw them away. To lay at my feet the responsibility of another's actions is not anything new. It has been an on going injustice for more than 30 years. Today I did not argue or even raise my voice. I simply said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." and "If Mom had been in possession of this thing that you find offensive, you'd have found something else to find fault in. You did not want her to attend the reunion." It was hurtful to listen as my aunt downed my mother. It's the second time in the last three weeks that she has done this. But three weeks ago she did the same thing toward me. I was hurt and offended. I didn't retaliate or give her the satisfaction of knowing how badly I was hurt. I spoke to my sponsor, my therapist and friends in the recovery community. I actually find myself pitying her for her views toward my mother, brother and me. We are perhaps the most loyal and loving in the family- a feat that deserves praise rather than reproach.

I say that we deserve praise because learning to love oneself and to express love toward others is an enormous accomplishment for the three of us. At one time I thought I was unlovable, incapable of loving others and was, in fact, unloved. Today I know that isn't true.

The last week or so I've thought about two songs that seemed somehow related to each other and to the healing process I've been going through over the last three years. I've thought about "La Vie Boheim" from Rent and the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. The song from Rent speaks about how a small minority of people are looked upon as being out of the main stream because of their life choices. I think it also speaks against judging others. "Bohemian Rhapsody" spreaks of an individual's struggle to find his identity and to forgive himself. To me the two songs speak well of this thing we call enlightenment. The journey is about examining self and rising above the need to judge others.

I've also struggled in my friendships. The most damaged one is the one between Linda and I. I am so glad she has her own home. I know enough of her story to know how important that is for her. She grew up with nothing. To have the security of a home is huge. But I got rather tired of hearing about it especially when there were times that I have wondered how close to being evicted and homeless I have been. I've also listened to her talk about her new boyfriend. I want her to know love and to be happy. But I can't help but feeling that this relationship she is in is destined for failure. They have so many obstacles to overcome but more than that I just don't here the love and affection in her voice when she speaks of him. At times I've wondered if she was just using him. I hate to feel that way. But then there have also been the times she has hurt my feelings. I have shared that with my sponsor, therapist and recovery friends.

Linda will be speaking in less than a month. I'm long overdue a visit with her. I want to visit but I want some control over how long I stay. But I'm also very leary of staying with her while her boyfriend is there. It's not that I am opposed to him living with her. I just don't want to hear every little thing that goes on right now between them. It's not jealousy- it's envy.

I don't know. I guess I felt the need to express my thoughts and feelings tonight because I wanted to exercise my demons. I don't want to hold onto the ill feelings that my aunt's criticism brought on. I want to let go of the hurt and to get the poison out of my system. More than that I want to take ownership of my responsibility and to acknowledge my limitations. I only have control over my own actions and words. I choose to take the high road. I will not stoop to her level. I will love and accept my family as they are and hope for them to return the feelings.

The Paradox loaned me a book once. It's called Emotional Sobriety. In it I discovered that he had underlined only one sentence. Nothing else in the book had been given any attention. The sentence said something along the lines of being ready to love and accept someone as they are, not what they can become. There was a time when I had hoped that he had deliberately underlined that sentence for me to find because he had some sort of feelings for me. But today I see great wisdom in that sentence. It's not about romantic love or sexual love. It's about love for humanity. And for this gift he gave me I am grateful. I actually learned more about being a better human being from him than anyone I've encountered in the recovery community. When I grow up I hope to be just like him.